A Strange Christmas

Christmas 2011--Decorating the tree . . . sort of ;)

I knew this Christmas would not be “normal.” Christmas has not been normal for the past three years. (But what is a “normal” Christmas, anyway?!)

When I was a kid and my family lived in North Carolina, we always stayed home for Christmas. My parents, my brother and I ate breakfast and then opened presents around the Christmas tree. Later we would go to my grandparents’ house and have Christmas dinner. Sometimes my aunt, uncle, and cousins from Tennessee would come too. When my family moved to Virginia in 2006, our Christmas was similar, except that Christmas day was normally spent with just my immediate family. 

Nana and Grandfather's house--Dec. 2012

In the beginning of December, 2012 my Nana passed away, about a week after she had a stroke. She was 91. I know that she is with Jesus and is no longer suffering, but I obviously still miss her! Christmas in 2012 was the hardest because my Nana had just passed away a couple weeks before. We spent Christmas in NC with my grandfather. 

I miss picking out Christmas presents for Nana...she was always the easiest person to buy for because she liked pretty much anything I got her! 

Me and Nana--a looong time ago ;)

This year my grandfather is 95. I thought we might be spending this Christmas at the hospital because grandfather was having some major health problems, but he got out of the hospital a couple days before Christmas. My family opened presents on Christmas Eve, went to our church’s Christmas Eve service, and drove to NC on Christmas morning. We visited my grandfather and had Christmas dinner with him and read the Christmas story. 

Drive to NC on Christmas morning

Squished in the car with Mandy :)

In some ways, it may not have been the “ideal” Christmas. But it was good. A fun, “normal” Christmas is nice, but it doesn’t guarantee happiness. I’m learning to be okay with strange Christmases... and strange holidays in general!   

Why?

The meaning of Christmas is still the same. God became human in Jesus. Jesus came. He was born. He lived. He died. He rose to life. He returned to heaven, where He rules forever.

Jesus is with us, always, wherever we are. He will never leave us. He is faithful. Jesus brings hope. 

“She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins. All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: ‘The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him ‘Immanuel’—which means, ‘God with us.’” Matthew 1:21-23 

The Fight

She sits on the floor, plays with her dolls

She tries to ignore them

But still hears it all

Her mommy is sobbing

Her grandmother yells

Grandfather, stubborn

Won’t change his mind

Couldn’t care less

That his daughter’s not fine

Daddy leads the girl away

But she still hears all that they say

Her 4-year-old heart

Hears the lies, feels the fears

“This wouldn’t be happening

If you were not here”

She’s the one guilty

But that soon will change

She’ll be the good girl

She’ll play the part well

And when all else fails

She’ll punish herself

This world isn’t safe

And it never will be

I’ll just make them happy

And then they’ll love me

But she didn’t know

She didn’t see

That horrible fight

Was for her safety

Mom loved her enough

To keep her free

So she’d enjoy childhood

As it was meant to be

She believed she was worthless

Guilty, condemned

But she was worth fighting for

She’ll be loved to the end

The Overcomer

Friends talk and laugh

Scattered in clusters

Happiness

She floats above them

Sees herself standing with her friends

Together

Invisible

Alone

She watches herself fake a smile

Force a laugh

She used to feel alive

Forever ago

Seems like another lifetime

A life when the sun shone

Her friends loved her

Life had meaning

Now breathing is mechanical

Her heart beats slowly

She forces her feet to move

Step. Step.

Days blend together

Each one the same

Her mind is chained

Eyes blinded by darkness

She’s suffocating from pain

When will this end?

When will she feel?

When will she see?

She holds the pills, throws them out

Takes the rope, puts it down

Grasps the knife, puts it away

You call her selfish

You call her weak

You call her a quitter

But she is the courageous

She is the misunderstood

She is the strong

She is the growing

Her heart is still beating

Her lungs are still breathing

She’ll climb out of bed

Once again

She’ll walk out the door

Another chance

She’ll watch the sun rise

Another day

She’s still alive

She is the overcomer