Dandelion

To some, a weed to be pulled

A nuisance

A disruption

To the lawn’s green uniformity

To others

Sunshine in petal form

A smile on my face

A puffball to blow

And make a wish

A snack for a rabbit

Spring is here

My Bluebird Story

 

I don’t normally see many bluebirds at my house, but sometimes I’ll see one or two in the fall. Around September I prayed that I would see a bluebird this fall. A couple weeks later, I was sitting in my gazebo praying about something I was struggling with, and I asked God if there was a different way he wanted me to see the situation. Then a bluebird came out of nowhere and landed on the ground nearby and ate a grub or something! I thought of the verse that says, “You are the God who sees me.” (Genesis 16:13) And it was a reminder that God sees me, and he remembered my prayer asking for a bluebird, even though I had forgotten I had prayed for one.

I had a rough winter health-wise, and in January I was depressed and discouraged. The new year seemed uncertain and scary. I was also approaching my 34^th birthday, and while there are parts of my life that I really love, this isn’t the life I had planned for my 30s. My counselor wanted me to write a list of the things that give me hope. I muttered, “If I can come up with anything.” But I was surprised to come up with more than I expected. At the top of my list was birds, especially robins and bluebirds. In the next couple weeks, I kept seeing bluebirds! They tended to show up on days when I was feeling particularly depressed or hopeless, and it gave me the strength to keep going.

By late February, I was no longer depressed. I hadn’t seen any bluebirds recently and was starting to miss them, but figured maybe that was the end of the bluebirds, and God had sent them to me to help me through a hard season. I was busy and stressed, and I prayed that God would send a bluebird that week. The next day, I looked out the window and saw a bluebird in our crabapple tree!

I have lived in this house since 2006 (minus the 5 years I went away for college), and I have never seen as many bluebirds as I saw this winter. Some people might say all the bluebirds are a coincidence, or that the birds just changed their usual migration patterns because of the weather. But I believe God sent them because he knew I needed them. It is so easy to have a wrong view of God—to think that he is harsh or judgmental or all about rules. But he is a God who looks down at a world full of billions of people and sees and cares about an individual. He knows all of our secret thoughts and struggles and speaks to us in ways that are unique to us—whether that is through bluebirds or something else.

“He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. He counts the stars and calls them all by name. How great is our Lord! His power is absolute! His understanding is beyond comprehension.” Psalm 147:3-5

Trauma

This is a poem about my experience with medical trauma. I hope this poem gives a voice to anyone who may be struggling with trauma, whether it is medical or another type.

It’s over

But still happening in my mind

I’m free

But still chained by it

I’m safe

But my brain still signals danger

I no longer see them

But I still hear their voice

I’ve stopped the medication

But its effects on me still linger

I long for community

Yet I hide in myself

I know I can trust you

But I still feel unsafe

I need to live in the present

But the past happened and it mattered

I’m afraid

But I’m slowly facing my fears

I fall

But I get back up

I’m struggling

But I’m growing

I’m wounded

But I’m healing

Breeze

The warm breeze blows reeds and grasses

If only it would blow away

My troubles

Like ripples on a lake

That gather

And disappear

Abbott Lake, Virginia

Known

 

Written Oct 2022- Aug 2023

A universal desire

Rarely voiced

To be completely known

Yet loved and accepted

Not by all

But by one

Or a few

Like a glimpse of the garden of Eden

Naked and unashamed

Vulnerable but safe

Is this foolishness or wisdom?

Danger or safety?

Risk or opportunity?

The uncertainty of whether

Someone can be trusted

With trust comes rest

And the security

Of being loved

Relaxing in an embrace

Knowing each other

In joy and sorrow

Through defeats, failures and victories

Knowing strengths and weaknesses

Walking through different seasons

Of life together

Taking off the masks we wear

Because there is no need to hide

Learning to forgive

The potential to hurt

But also to heal

Just being

In each other’s presence

A desire placed in us

By the One who knows us fully

And longs to be known

In an Instant

Hiking ever since I could walk
Climbing light posts, trees and rocks
My favorite way to spend a day
Was bike and run and rollerblade
Drop in on the skateboard ramp in the street
Feel adrenaline shoot from my heart to my feet
I earn another belt in martial arts
But breaking boards was the best part

I am healthy, I am strong
I have done this all along

All this changes in an instant
You put your foot down
Try to walk but you can't
It takes all your strength
Just trying to breathe
You have to budget energy
'Cause you're held back by fatigue

Health is not always something earned
It can be gone in an instant
I have learned
Don't take it for granted
All that you've got
Health is not something
That can be bought

Photo credit: Sarah and Zack Conord

It's the Little Things: Why I'm Still Here

I struggled with depression for a lot of my life and struggled with suicidal thoughts starting in college. Fortunately I never actually attempted suicide. It has been almost three years since I have been depressed for any length of time, and when I think back to what helped me to stay, I think of so many little ways that different people helped me. All these little things added up together and gave me a reason to stay. These are just some of the many people who have helped me. Unfortunately I had to leave some people out in order to keep this post to a reasonable length. 

Liberty

Since my first semester at Liberty, I thought God was leading me to be a missionary in India, and I

felt like that was my purpose. I had gotten rejected when I applied for mission trips to India, so I felt worthless and like I would never live out my purpose. Estera told me, "Your existence brings joy." It was a new concept for me that I have value apart from anything I do, and whether I was able to go to India or not, I was still valuable.

Estera and I at her graduation, 2012

I used to believe that I was a bother to people and that people didn't want me around. One afternoon I was hanging out in the RA's room with a bunch of girls from our hall, and I finally just left without saying anything because I didn't think anyone cared that I was there. But Kendall noticed and yelled, "Bye, Laurel!" I was surprised that someone actually noticed and cared whether or not I was in the room, and I ended up coming back a few minutes later.

When I was considering suicide but knew I wasn't thinking clearly, I texted Sarah M. and asked her to pray for me. She skipped her next class and we hung out it the courtyard and talked, and she stayed with me to make sure I was safe until someone else could be with me. There were many other times we hung out when I was struggling with depression, and just being around someone who cared was so helpful.

Sarah C. was a good friend to me throughout college and even met me at the ER at a moment's notice on a Friday night when I was handcuffed and taken there due to suicidal thoughts.

Christin was there for me and listened to me as I struggled with self-injury and sorted through the aftermath and trauma of having suicidal thoughts and being handcuffed.

Sarah C. and I at the Mill Mountain Star, 2014

GAP Bonfire

In April of 2016, I got out of New Horizons (a residential counseling center) for the first time, and I knew something had to change or else I would probably attempt suicide. I new I needed to make friends. My mom's friend Debbie had recently told my mom about GAP, her church's graduates and professionals group. I had been putting off going, but I finally decided to take a big step and go to a GAP bonfire. I have social anxiety, and I hadn't really thought this out, so when I got there I was like, "What am I doing? I'm out in the middle of this field with all these strangers." Thankfully, Rebecca introduced herself, and after that I met several other people. And Heather and Melissa hung out with me for the rest of the night. And I have been going to GAP for over 3 years now.

GAP Retreat at Smith Mountain Lake, 2016

GAP Fall Retreat

In October I went to the GAP fall retreat at Smith Mountain Lake. I was depressed and struggling a lot with suicidal thoughts, but nobody at the retreat knew this. There wasn't anyone there that I knew really well, and most of the people that I did know were from my small group, which I had just started going to the month before. I rode up in a car with Macon, and he asked me a lot of questions about me and my job. It meant a lot that he seemed to genuinely want to get to know me.

That evening we played an odd game where we were paired up and were told to get to know our partner. Then we sat on the floor back to back and the leader asked which of us was most likely to do something, and we either raised our hand or pointed at the other person. I was partnered with Patrick. Although it was a little awkward sitting back to back with somebody I had just met, it was actually helpful to me because I really needed a hug, and with this game I at least got some type of physical touch and also got to meet someone new.

On Saturday afternoon I had been by myself journaling and finally decided I needed to go see what everyone was doing. Ezra invited me to play cornhole with him, Daniel and Timmy. I was partnered with Daniel, who is good at cornhole, and I am not very good. But Daniel was very patient and didn't get mad that we lost, and we still had fun. And something about that game flipped a switch in my head and I decided, "At least for this weekend, I'm not going to attempt suicide."

I was staying in a room with Haley, and I remember her being very friendly and welcoming.

Sam asked me if I was enjoying the retreat. Unfortunately I lied to her and said "Yes," but I appreciated that she cared enough to ask.

Erin sat with me when I was sitting by myself.

Jamie asked me to join her and Cathy for lunch.

Neal said "hi" and asked about my brother. He was also welcoming when I was new to Northstar Church.

Emily went to the trouble of making sure there was food I could eat with my weird stomach problems.

GAP Small Group

Soon after the retreat I had to go back to New Horizons. At small group the night before I left, Todd prayed for me and gave a card with a verse (Isaiah 41:10) on it that still encourages me today. Even though Jess was busy with grad school, she made time to take me to a meeting with Access, the people who determined whether New Horizons was a good fit or if I'd need to go to the hospital. She drove me to New Horizons and visited me while I was there. Melissa also visited me. When I got out of New Horizons, Jess gave me flowers and a card signed by our whole small group.

A couple weeks later, our small group was studying healing prayer, and we prayed for the people in our group who needed healing. The group prayed for me, and God healed me from depression. (You can read more about that in this blog post.)

Small group 2016-2017 (Missing Jess, Josh and John)

Everyone else I didn't get to mention

Jill met with me for the first couple years out of college and was one of my few friends before I started going to GAP. She was supportive when I was struggling with depression and also convinced me to tell my mom one time when I was struggling so she could help me stay safe.

Heidi and I at GAPsgiving, 2016

At GAPsgiving (GAP's Thanksgiving dinner) we had a photo booth, and Heidi asked me to have my picture taken with her. I remember being surprised and appreciative that she considered me a friend enough to take a picture.

Anthony has consistently been a good friend and been there for me for the whole time I've known him.

I've always appreciated that when I was depressed or anxious, I felt like I could be myself around Ezra. I didn't feel pressured to talk about what was wrong, and I didn't feel like I had to pretend I was happy. I could just hang out, and I didn't have to exhaust myself by pretending I was okay when I wasn't.

My counselor took my suicidal thoughts seriously even when I didn't understand how serious they were and encouraged me to go to New Horizons.

My parents tried to be supportive through my struggle with depression, and they visited me at New Horizons and also brought my dog Mandy to visit.

I don't want to give the false impression that everyone I came into contact with helped me. There were some people who said and did things that were very hurtful and made my struggle with depression harder. There were also people who helped in some ways and hurt me in other ways. But I write this as a reminder that you never know what someone else is going through or how big of an impact reaching out to someone in little ways could have. It is very for easy for me to get wrapped up in my own life and struggles, so this is a reminder to me as much as to anyone else to reach out to others.

Small Group 2017-2018