My Bluebird Story

 

I don’t normally see many bluebirds at my house, but sometimes I’ll see one or two in the fall. Around September I prayed that I would see a bluebird this fall. A couple weeks later, I was sitting in my gazebo praying about something I was struggling with, and I asked God if there was a different way he wanted me to see the situation. Then a bluebird came out of nowhere and landed on the ground nearby and ate a grub or something! I thought of the verse that says, “You are the God who sees me.” (Genesis 16:13) And it was a reminder that God sees me, and he remembered my prayer asking for a bluebird, even though I had forgotten I had prayed for one.

I had a rough winter health-wise, and in January I was depressed and discouraged. The new year seemed uncertain and scary. I was also approaching my 34^th birthday, and while there are parts of my life that I really love, this isn’t the life I had planned for my 30s. My counselor wanted me to write a list of the things that give me hope. I muttered, “If I can come up with anything.” But I was surprised to come up with more than I expected. At the top of my list was birds, especially robins and bluebirds. In the next couple weeks, I kept seeing bluebirds! They tended to show up on days when I was feeling particularly depressed or hopeless, and it gave me the strength to keep going.

By late February, I was no longer depressed. I hadn’t seen any bluebirds recently and was starting to miss them, but figured maybe that was the end of the bluebirds, and God had sent them to me to help me through a hard season. I was busy and stressed, and I prayed that God would send a bluebird that week. The next day, I looked out the window and saw a bluebird in our crabapple tree!

I have lived in this house since 2006 (minus the 5 years I went away for college), and I have never seen as many bluebirds as I saw this winter. Some people might say all the bluebirds are a coincidence, or that the birds just changed their usual migration patterns because of the weather. But I believe God sent them because he knew I needed them. It is so easy to have a wrong view of God—to think that he is harsh or judgmental or all about rules. But he is a God who looks down at a world full of billions of people and sees and cares about an individual. He knows all of our secret thoughts and struggles and speaks to us in ways that are unique to us—whether that is through bluebirds or something else.

“He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. He counts the stars and calls them all by name. How great is our Lord! His power is absolute! His understanding is beyond comprehension.” Psalm 147:3-5

Recovery and Not Fitting In

In April, and again in June, I went to New Horizons, a residential treatment place, for depression. (You can read more about that here.) They have a peer support group for people who have stayed at New Horizons in the past. The group has been helpful to me as I've recovered from depression. It can help to be around other people who struggle with mental illness, to see that I'm not alone. But I've realized the last couple months or so that I don't fit in with the group like I used to. I'm not doing "badly enough." This has been happy/sad for me.

It's happy because I'm finally recovering from depression. I'm able to go to work and concentrate. I'm able to be home alone and be confident that I can stay safe by myself. I can finally live a normal life and just enjoy life.

But it's sad because New Horizons became like a second home to me. I finally belonged somewhere, and now I don't belong anymore. God really used New Horizons in my life, and I'm thankful to have a place like that relatively close to where I live. I learned a lot from the counseling groups about how to deal with depression, anxiety and anger. I got to know lots of people I probably would never have met otherwise. I'll miss the walks we went on at New Horizons ... the time we picked flowers and covered the table with them. The time we explored a graveyard from the 1800s. I'll miss the cat, Hammy, hanging out on my bed.

But I think it's time to move on.

As I drove home from peer support today, I heard the words of a Sara Groves song playing: "I have a new hope that blows away this small hope I knew before."

A few months ago a friend shared a verse with me that she wanted me to memorize.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

I remember reading that verse and thinking how crazy it was to think that I could be overflowing with hope. Hope just seemed so distant. But I think I'm getting there. With God's help, I can see that there is so much hope.

Light for Life

Life is going nowhere

What is hope?

Do I dare reawaken buried dreams?

Emptiness and loneliness are what I know

And life means death to me       

 

I stare at the pills

But I don't have to take them

The gun calls to me

But I won't listen

The rope tries to pull me

But I resist

The knife beckons me

But it's not my only option

 

Friends cannot be found

But someday I'll meet them

Health fails

But I'll learn to accept it

Dreams, like bulbs

Are buried in the ground

But someday they'll break through the surface

Buds will open, flowers bloom

When the path to hope is blocked

It's found in His life        

Darkness all-encompassing

Can't keep out the rays of light

The path to life seems shut off

But His arms are still open wide

Healing is elusive

But it's found in His wounds

He will guide me in the path of life

For He is my Light

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16:11, ESV

Hope Hides

Like the sun

Hiding behind storm clouds

Hope hides

Behind hopelessness

Healing                

Behind pain and brokenness

Belonging

Behind the loneliness

Light

Behind the darkness

Freedom

Behind bondage

Truth

Behind the lies

Peace and rest

Behind the torment

Purpose

Behind lostness

Life

Behind death

Peel back the layers

Let me feel hope and meaning

Open my eyes 

Restore my sight

Open my mouth

That I may taste hope

Open my heart

Let me live

Boss in my Brain: A Letter to OCD

This is is basically my story, although I did get the idea for a letter from a To Write Love on Her Arms blog post.


Dear Boss in my Brain,

You stole my childhood.

How many hours did I spend obeying your demands when I could have been playing outside?

You lied to me. 

You told me you'd keep me safe. You told me if I just did what you said, I would stay healthy. My friends would accept me. My parents and teachers would be proud. 

You mocked me as I angrily accepted the 4^th grade "Neatness Award." That stupid certificate wasn't worth the hours wasted forming each letter slowly, perfectly.

Dear Boss in my Brain,

You play on my fears

Of sickness, death, rejection, disapproval.

You're the constant nagging voice, telling me that if I don't do things just your way, I won't be "good enough."

You torment me with the idea that if I don't confess my sins "just so," God won't forgive me. That if I don't measure up, God won't love me. 

How much money have I spent on medication that muffles your voice but doesn't shut you up?

And I'm sure now you're smiling wickedly as I recount all your "successes" and how you've stolen my life. 

You convinced me that you own me. That I'm your slave and I can never escape. That you're just a part of who I am. And for many years I believed you—until a friend told me how she'd been set free from her own "boss." Hope was awakened because I saw that, just maybe, freedom was possible for me too. 

Dear Boss in my Brain,

You planned to exploit me and torment me. 

But you didn't plan for me to learn at an early age that God can bring good out of pain.

You didn't plan for me to learn not to believe everything I hear. 

You didn't plan for me to learn God's true heart of love.

Dear Boss in my Brain,

You no longer own me, for I have a new Master.

He speaks words of life, not condemnation.

He tells me, "Do not fear."

He loves me so much that he was even willing to die in my place.

He seeks my good and not my harm.

He is the One I've chosen to follow.

He is the One I'll listen to.

My new Master

Is Jesus.