Perspectives on my Life

Sometimes I wish I could just be normal. I get discouraged that I'm not working a full-time job, living out my dreams, traveling the world, that I don't have a husband/boyfriend. It is so easy to compare myself to others and wonder why I can't be like them or have their life. But recently I've realized, considering everything I have to deal with, I am really doing well. I have about 5 mental illnesses (I say "about" because one of them has not been officially diagnosed) and about 5 physical health conditions. But I still work part-time and have somewhat of a social life. I haven't given up! I can't do a lot of things that the average person can do, but the average person doesn't have to deal with so many illnesses at once. (This is not to minimize anything that anyone's going through. I know that everyone has their own struggles to deal with.) My life isn't going exactly how I'd like it to go, but it could be a lot worse. I think sometimes the people that the world considers unsuccessful are the people who are fighting the hardest and dealing with the toughest things. It just goes unnoticed.

Recovery and Not Fitting In

In April, and again in June, I went to New Horizons, a residential treatment place, for depression. (You can read more about that here.) They have a peer support group for people who have stayed at New Horizons in the past. The group has been helpful to me as I've recovered from depression. It can help to be around other people who struggle with mental illness, to see that I'm not alone. But I've realized the last couple months or so that I don't fit in with the group like I used to. I'm not doing "badly enough." This has been happy/sad for me.

It's happy because I'm finally recovering from depression. I'm able to go to work and concentrate. I'm able to be home alone and be confident that I can stay safe by myself. I can finally live a normal life and just enjoy life.

But it's sad because New Horizons became like a second home to me. I finally belonged somewhere, and now I don't belong anymore. God really used New Horizons in my life, and I'm thankful to have a place like that relatively close to where I live. I learned a lot from the counseling groups about how to deal with depression, anxiety and anger. I got to know lots of people I probably would never have met otherwise. I'll miss the walks we went on at New Horizons ... the time we picked flowers and covered the table with them. The time we explored a graveyard from the 1800s. I'll miss the cat, Hammy, hanging out on my bed.

But I think it's time to move on.

As I drove home from peer support today, I heard the words of a Sara Groves song playing: "I have a new hope that blows away this small hope I knew before."

A few months ago a friend shared a verse with me that she wanted me to memorize.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

I remember reading that verse and thinking how crazy it was to think that I could be overflowing with hope. Hope just seemed so distant. But I think I'm getting there. With God's help, I can see that there is so much hope.

What I learned from spending 11 days in residential treatment for depression

I have been depressed since around January or February. It started out with apathy, and it's gotten worse since then. A couple weeks ago, I met with my counselor and it became clear that I wasn't able to keep myself safe. Fortunately, I didn't have to go to the hospital, but the next day I went to New Horizons, a residential treatment place about 20-30 minutes from where I live. I went home on Monday (25th). These are some of the things I learned from this experience.

People value me and care about me more than I thought

The staff and the other residents had just met me, but I could tell that they really cared about me, and I cared about the other residents too. We were all struggling in one way or another, but we were in it together. I guess I should stop believing the lie that not many people would really miss me if I died.

The value of getting to know all kinds of people

I'm thankful that I got to spend a lot of time with people I probably wouldn't have normally hung out with. It can be easy to get caught up in our differences and things on the surface--things like age, gender, school, spiritual beliefs, sexual orientation, etc. But at New Horizons those normal barriers were broken down, and I could see that we're all just people trying to live and heal.

Not everyone who's depressed acts like the stereotypical depressed person

I realized I'm more normal than I thought. Many people who are depressed can still laugh and be happy at times, and that doesn't mean that that they're not hurting or depressed.

I have to believe the truth, or else this is where I'll end up

Whether "this" is New Horizons, locked up in a hospital, or worse. My natural, sinful inclination is to destroy myself. Doing what I want doesn't bring freedom; it actually brings death. If I want to live, I really have no other option but to believe the truth about who I am. In secular psychology, I think this would be called "positive affirmations" or "positive self-talk."

Given enough time, I can adjust to living pretty much anywhere.

In the past several years, I have lived in 5 different dorms, had 14 roommates, lived in an apartment, lived at home with my parents, and visited two other countries. And now I guess I can add residential therapy to the list. It was really hard, especially for the first couple days, but it got better. I don't like change, but I guess I can get used to it.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

DBT helped me learn to deal with my emotions and thoughts in a more healthy way. I feel more peaceful and in control, knowing that I don't have to act on every impulse I have, and I don't have to let my emotions control me. We had group therapy every day, which was helpful to me.

To rely on God--because He's the only one I had.

This was especially true the first couple days. I was overwhelmed because I had to ask for my stuff (clothes, toiletries, etc.), I was away from everything familiar, and I couldn't leave. God kept showing me in little ways that he was there with me. Everything was out of my control, but He was still in control. 

I'll be honest and admit that I'm still depressed. I'm still seeing a counselor and trying to figure out a medication that will help me without giving me bad side effects. But I am in a better place than I was before coming to New Horizons, and I'm thankful for the experience.