What I learned from spending 11 days in residential treatment for depression

I have been depressed since around January or February. It started out with apathy, and it's gotten worse since then. A couple weeks ago, I met with my counselor and it became clear that I wasn't able to keep myself safe. Fortunately, I didn't have to go to the hospital, but the next day I went to New Horizons, a residential treatment place about 20-30 minutes from where I live. I went home on Monday (25th). These are some of the things I learned from this experience.

People value me and care about me more than I thought

The staff and the other residents had just met me, but I could tell that they really cared about me, and I cared about the other residents too. We were all struggling in one way or another, but we were in it together. I guess I should stop believing the lie that not many people would really miss me if I died.

The value of getting to know all kinds of people

I'm thankful that I got to spend a lot of time with people I probably wouldn't have normally hung out with. It can be easy to get caught up in our differences and things on the surface--things like age, gender, school, spiritual beliefs, sexual orientation, etc. But at New Horizons those normal barriers were broken down, and I could see that we're all just people trying to live and heal.

Not everyone who's depressed acts like the stereotypical depressed person

I realized I'm more normal than I thought. Many people who are depressed can still laugh and be happy at times, and that doesn't mean that that they're not hurting or depressed.

I have to believe the truth, or else this is where I'll end up

Whether "this" is New Horizons, locked up in a hospital, or worse. My natural, sinful inclination is to destroy myself. Doing what I want doesn't bring freedom; it actually brings death. If I want to live, I really have no other option but to believe the truth about who I am. In secular psychology, I think this would be called "positive affirmations" or "positive self-talk."

Given enough time, I can adjust to living pretty much anywhere.

In the past several years, I have lived in 5 different dorms, had 14 roommates, lived in an apartment, lived at home with my parents, and visited two other countries. And now I guess I can add residential therapy to the list. It was really hard, especially for the first couple days, but it got better. I don't like change, but I guess I can get used to it.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

DBT helped me learn to deal with my emotions and thoughts in a more healthy way. I feel more peaceful and in control, knowing that I don't have to act on every impulse I have, and I don't have to let my emotions control me. We had group therapy every day, which was helpful to me.

To rely on God--because He's the only one I had.

This was especially true the first couple days. I was overwhelmed because I had to ask for my stuff (clothes, toiletries, etc.), I was away from everything familiar, and I couldn't leave. God kept showing me in little ways that he was there with me. Everything was out of my control, but He was still in control. 

I'll be honest and admit that I'm still depressed. I'm still seeing a counselor and trying to figure out a medication that will help me without giving me bad side effects. But I am in a better place than I was before coming to New Horizons, and I'm thankful for the experience.

If You Only Knew

Although the topic is different, I got some ideas/inspiration for this poem from my friend Mandy Moore's poems, particularly Her Only Choice and Speak Up Sweet Child.

The point of this poem is that we shouldn't judge others because we have no idea what they're going through. That's not to say that sin is okay or that it should be encouraged. 

If you only knew

That this was not her choice

If you only knew 

Maybe you’d give her back her voice

If you could only spend

A few moments in her mind

Maybe you would stop

Before judging her this time

If you only knew

What she had missed when she was young

Maybe you would understand

Just how this all begun

If you could feel the boulder

Hanging from her heart

Maybe you would stop

Before tearing her apart

If you only knew

Struggle isn’t always sin

Maybe you would help her fight

And tell her she can win

If you only knew

That Jesus was a friend sinners

You might also be her friend

Instead of judging her a sinner

If you could only feel

Everything she felt

Maybe you would shut your mouth

Instead of saying, “Burn in Hell”

If you only knew 

That this was causing her to bleed

Maybe you would try to be

The friend she really needs

If you knew the guilt and shame

She carries every day

Maybe you would carry her

And not just turn away

If you only knew

That her time is running out

You would show her she is needed

Instead of causing her to doubt

If you only knew

Just how much she wants to live

You would step outside yourself

And to her freedom, give

If you only knew

That all she really wants is love

You would show her she is cherished

And washed with Jesus’ blood 

If you only knew 

That she is one of us

You would treat her like a treasure

Instead of trampling her like dust

Reflections on "Good Enough"

Are we held captive by the lie that we're not good enough because we've never defined the term "good enough"? "Good enough" is such a vague and elusive idea. Or is perfection our ideal, our idea of "good enough"? Then no wonder this lie holds us captive! We take one step toward this ideal; it backs two steps away. Perfection is unattainable, but we subconsciously convince ourselves that it is possible. When we reach for this ideal that we think is firm, we're grasping vapor, a cloud that slowly drifts away. For who can be perfect? After all, who determines what's "good enough"? When will we have arrived?
    Pursuing "good enough" is not worth it if it drains the life from our souls, removes the health from our bodies, drips blood from our skin, steals the joy from our hearts.
    We are good enough in the eyes of our Creator, the only One whose view of us matters. When God created us, He didn't say, "We'll see how she does" or "Guess he'll have to do." NO! We are created in the image of GOD, the beautiful and perfect One. When He made us, He said, "It is VERY GOOD"! Not just "good enough"--VERY GOOD!!!
    Let's take comfort in that, instead of constantly striving after our own undefined and unattainable standard of "good enough." You are not what you do. You are not how you perform. You are who you are. You are VERY GOOD!!!

Nov. 24, 2010 

Lessons on Value

I’ve been learning a lot over the past several months about the value people have. Seeing my value is something I have struggled with, and I have learned that I am far from being the only one who struggles with this. I was reading a friend’s blog several months ago, and she said that God told her that most people feel that “life is pointless and they feel worthless.” I think there is a lot of truth to this statement. As I have gotten to know more people and hear their stories, I have realized how many people are living with feelings of hurt and hopelessness. I want to help people see that they have value, that there is hope, and that their lives have meaning.  

                                                                                                                                        

Several months ago I told my friend that I didn’t know what my purpose for living was...or if I did know my purpose, I was afraid I would never be able to fulfill it. I guess I had thought of my purpose in terms of my career. If I wasn’t able to succeed at my career or do what I thought I should do with my life, then what would my purpose for living be? My friend reminded me that I was not made just to do things; I was made to be. She told me, “Your existence brings joy.” It was a new idea for me that I don’t have to earn my worth.

Earlier this fall, I was going through a really hard time. I was depressed and felt worthless and in the way. I had come to the point where I thought, “If life doesn’t get any better, then I don’t really want to keep living.” Fortunately, since I had gone through times like this before, I knew that things would probably get better in time. I was talking with my friend about this, and she told me, “God wouldn’t have created you if you weren’t supposed to be here.” She reminded me that Jesus died on the cross for me; this shows how much He loves and values me! She told me to read Psalm 139.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.” –Psalm 139:13-18

With the help of God and some amazing friends, I’ve been able to see that, because God created me, I am valuable, and my life has purpose.

All this to say...God created you, so you are supposed to be here! He planned every day you would live (Psalm 139:16). Jesus gave up his life for you, which shows how much value he places on your life. We don’t need to be afraid to live, because God will always be with us (Isaiah 43:1-4; Hebrews 13:5). If you are alive, you are alive for a reason. You are irreplaceable. You are valued. You are loved.