It's the Little Things: Why I'm Still Here

I struggled with depression for a lot of my life and struggled with suicidal thoughts starting in college. Fortunately I never actually attempted suicide. It has been almost three years since I have been depressed for any length of time, and when I think back to what helped me to stay, I think of so many little ways that different people helped me. All these little things added up together and gave me a reason to stay. These are just some of the many people who have helped me. Unfortunately I had to leave some people out in order to keep this post to a reasonable length. 

Liberty

Since my first semester at Liberty, I thought God was leading me to be a missionary in India, and I

felt like that was my purpose. I had gotten rejected when I applied for mission trips to India, so I felt worthless and like I would never live out my purpose. Estera told me, "Your existence brings joy." It was a new concept for me that I have value apart from anything I do, and whether I was able to go to India or not, I was still valuable.

Estera and I at her graduation, 2012

I used to believe that I was a bother to people and that people didn't want me around. One afternoon I was hanging out in the RA's room with a bunch of girls from our hall, and I finally just left without saying anything because I didn't think anyone cared that I was there. But Kendall noticed and yelled, "Bye, Laurel!" I was surprised that someone actually noticed and cared whether or not I was in the room, and I ended up coming back a few minutes later.

When I was considering suicide but knew I wasn't thinking clearly, I texted Sarah M. and asked her to pray for me. She skipped her next class and we hung out it the courtyard and talked, and she stayed with me to make sure I was safe until someone else could be with me. There were many other times we hung out when I was struggling with depression, and just being around someone who cared was so helpful.

Sarah C. was a good friend to me throughout college and even met me at the ER at a moment's notice on a Friday night when I was handcuffed and taken there due to suicidal thoughts.

Christin was there for me and listened to me as I struggled with self-injury and sorted through the aftermath and trauma of having suicidal thoughts and being handcuffed.

Sarah C. and I at the Mill Mountain Star, 2014

GAP Bonfire

In April of 2016, I got out of New Horizons (a residential counseling center) for the first time, and I knew something had to change or else I would probably attempt suicide. I new I needed to make friends. My mom's friend Debbie had recently told my mom about GAP, her church's graduates and professionals group. I had been putting off going, but I finally decided to take a big step and go to a GAP bonfire. I have social anxiety, and I hadn't really thought this out, so when I got there I was like, "What am I doing? I'm out in the middle of this field with all these strangers." Thankfully, Rebecca introduced herself, and after that I met several other people. And Heather and Melissa hung out with me for the rest of the night. And I have been going to GAP for over 3 years now.

GAP Retreat at Smith Mountain Lake, 2016

GAP Fall Retreat

In October I went to the GAP fall retreat at Smith Mountain Lake. I was depressed and struggling a lot with suicidal thoughts, but nobody at the retreat knew this. There wasn't anyone there that I knew really well, and most of the people that I did know were from my small group, which I had just started going to the month before. I rode up in a car with Macon, and he asked me a lot of questions about me and my job. It meant a lot that he seemed to genuinely want to get to know me.

That evening we played an odd game where we were paired up and were told to get to know our partner. Then we sat on the floor back to back and the leader asked which of us was most likely to do something, and we either raised our hand or pointed at the other person. I was partnered with Patrick. Although it was a little awkward sitting back to back with somebody I had just met, it was actually helpful to me because I really needed a hug, and with this game I at least got some type of physical touch and also got to meet someone new.

On Saturday afternoon I had been by myself journaling and finally decided I needed to go see what everyone was doing. Ezra invited me to play cornhole with him, Daniel and Timmy. I was partnered with Daniel, who is good at cornhole, and I am not very good. But Daniel was very patient and didn't get mad that we lost, and we still had fun. And something about that game flipped a switch in my head and I decided, "At least for this weekend, I'm not going to attempt suicide."

I was staying in a room with Haley, and I remember her being very friendly and welcoming.

Sam asked me if I was enjoying the retreat. Unfortunately I lied to her and said "Yes," but I appreciated that she cared enough to ask.

Erin sat with me when I was sitting by myself.

Jamie asked me to join her and Cathy for lunch.

Neal said "hi" and asked about my brother. He was also welcoming when I was new to Northstar Church.

Emily went to the trouble of making sure there was food I could eat with my weird stomach problems.

GAP Small Group

Soon after the retreat I had to go back to New Horizons. At small group the night before I left, Todd prayed for me and gave a card with a verse (Isaiah 41:10) on it that still encourages me today. Even though Jess was busy with grad school, she made time to take me to a meeting with Access, the people who determined whether New Horizons was a good fit or if I'd need to go to the hospital. She drove me to New Horizons and visited me while I was there. Melissa also visited me. When I got out of New Horizons, Jess gave me flowers and a card signed by our whole small group.

A couple weeks later, our small group was studying healing prayer, and we prayed for the people in our group who needed healing. The group prayed for me, and God healed me from depression. (You can read more about that in this blog post.)

Small group 2016-2017 (Missing Jess, Josh and John)

Everyone else I didn't get to mention

Jill met with me for the first couple years out of college and was one of my few friends before I started going to GAP. She was supportive when I was struggling with depression and also convinced me to tell my mom one time when I was struggling so she could help me stay safe.

Heidi and I at GAPsgiving, 2016

At GAPsgiving (GAP's Thanksgiving dinner) we had a photo booth, and Heidi asked me to have my picture taken with her. I remember being surprised and appreciative that she considered me a friend enough to take a picture.

Anthony has consistently been a good friend and been there for me for the whole time I've known him.

I've always appreciated that when I was depressed or anxious, I felt like I could be myself around Ezra. I didn't feel pressured to talk about what was wrong, and I didn't feel like I had to pretend I was happy. I could just hang out, and I didn't have to exhaust myself by pretending I was okay when I wasn't.

My counselor took my suicidal thoughts seriously even when I didn't understand how serious they were and encouraged me to go to New Horizons.

My parents tried to be supportive through my struggle with depression, and they visited me at New Horizons and also brought my dog Mandy to visit.

I don't want to give the false impression that everyone I came into contact with helped me. There were some people who said and did things that were very hurtful and made my struggle with depression harder. There were also people who helped in some ways and hurt me in other ways. But I write this as a reminder that you never know what someone else is going through or how big of an impact reaching out to someone in little ways could have. It is very for easy for me to get wrapped up in my own life and struggles, so this is a reminder to me as much as to anyone else to reach out to others.

Small Group 2017-2018

What I do with my "Free Time" as Someone with a Chronic Illness

I worked part-time as a data reductionist for almost 3 1/2 years, working anywhere from 16-20 hours

a week, depending on my health and energy level. Even though I was working a desk job and I had a required 10-minute break every hour, work took up the majority of my energy, so it could be difficult to find the energy to do anything outside of work. I had to prioritize work and "budget" my energy, which often meant missing out on social events or putting off errands like grocery shopping so I would be able to make it through the work week. Even though it was difficult to work when I was sick, I generally liked my job, and I liked to feel like a normal person and that I was doing something with my life.

This winter/spring my health got worse, and I developed a lot of new symptoms. I took what was intended to be a 3-week leave of absence from work at the end of March in order to rest and get my health back on track. However, my health kept getting worse and I kept having to extend my leave of absence. At the end of May I officially quit my job because of my health problems. I don't have an official diagnosis yet, but a lot of potential problems have been eliminated, and I know that at least one of my problems is related to my lungs.

Sometimes a friend will find out that I'm not working, or that I was only working part time, and they'll ask, "What do you do with all your free time?" Or "If you only work in the afternoon, then what do you do in the morning?" When you're healthy, these may seem like very reasonable questions. If I'm not working full-time, I must have plenty of time to do whatever I want, right?

These questions annoy me, but I try to be patient with people because I know that most of the time they mean well and are genuinely curious about what I do all day. Normally these people care about me but are just clueless about the nature of chronic illness. I was healthy for most of my life, so I know it's hard to understand chronic illness unless you've either experienced it yourself or been very close to someone who has.

One thing that takes up a lot of my time is all the medical tests and procedures I have done. These are most of the tests I've had done in the last several months.

⦁    Hida scan (Nuclear medicine imaging of my gall bladder)
⦁    Ultrasound (2)
⦁    Upper endoscopy
⦁    Colonoscopy
⦁    CT scan (2)
⦁    Bloodwork (I lose track, but several times)
⦁    EKG (5)
⦁    Urinalysis (3)
⦁    Chest X-rays (2)
⦁    Tilt-table test
⦁    Echocardiogram
⦁    Pulmonary function test
⦁    MRI

Add to this the appointments with my primary care doctor, various specialists, ER trips, and traveling out of town for doctors' appointments.

View of Richmond from VCU Hospital

I also need to sleep a lot to be able to even semi-function. This means sleeping 10-11 hours at night, plus taking a nap in the afternoon. I also have to take time to lie down even when I'm not officially napping because I get out of breath from walking around and getting ready for the day, and I have trouble breathing if I sit up for too long.

Another thing that takes up time is making doctors' appointments, calling up nurses to ask questions, and messaging my doctors on MyChart. Since I'm seeing a pulmonologist now, every morning and evening I use a peak flow meter (measures breathing) and inhaler, and it took me a few days to figure those out.

Inhaler and peak flow meter

I also spend time looking up information on my various medical conditions. Sometimes people say, "Don't Google medical stuff; you'll scare yourself!" There is some truth to this, and sometimes I do spend too much time Googling possible diagnoses. But some amount of internet searching is necessary, especially when I have rare illnesses that my doctors aren't familiar with.

I think that some people who ask what I do with my free time  may just want to know what I do for fun. So a better way to word the question might be something like, "What are your hobbies/interests?" or "What do you do to keep from going crazy?" There are a lot of my old hobbies that I'm either unable to do now or am very limited with, like hiking, biking and traveling. I still like being outside, and this spring I started photographing whatever animals happen to be in my yard, which is typically frogs and birds. I like playing with my puppy, Maple, journaling, and watching nature and travel documentaries. And occasionally, when I am feeling good enough, I write blog posts like this!