Known

 

Written Oct 2022- Aug 2023

A universal desire

Rarely voiced

To be completely known

Yet loved and accepted

Not by all

But by one

Or a few

Like a glimpse of the garden of Eden

Naked and unashamed

Vulnerable but safe

Is this foolishness or wisdom?

Danger or safety?

Risk or opportunity?

The uncertainty of whether

Someone can be trusted

With trust comes rest

And the security

Of being loved

Relaxing in an embrace

Knowing each other

In joy and sorrow

Through defeats, failures and victories

Knowing strengths and weaknesses

Walking through different seasons

Of life together

Taking off the masks we wear

Because there is no need to hide

Learning to forgive

The potential to hurt

But also to heal

Just being

In each other’s presence

A desire placed in us

By the One who knows us fully

And longs to be known

In an Instant

Hiking ever since I could walk
Climbing light posts, trees and rocks
My favorite way to spend a day
Was bike and run and rollerblade
Drop in on the skateboard ramp in the street
Feel adrenaline shoot from my heart to my feet
I earn another belt in martial arts
But breaking boards was the best part

I am healthy, I am strong
I have done this all along

All this changes in an instant
You put your foot down
Try to walk but you can't
It takes all your strength
Just trying to breathe
You have to budget energy
'Cause you're held back by fatigue

Health is not always something earned
It can be gone in an instant
I have learned
Don't take it for granted
All that you've got
Health is not something
That can be bought

Photo credit: Sarah and Zack Conord

It's the Little Things: Why I'm Still Here

I struggled with depression for a lot of my life and struggled with suicidal thoughts starting in college. Fortunately I never actually attempted suicide. It has been almost three years since I have been depressed for any length of time, and when I think back to what helped me to stay, I think of so many little ways that different people helped me. All these little things added up together and gave me a reason to stay. These are just some of the many people who have helped me. Unfortunately I had to leave some people out in order to keep this post to a reasonable length. 

Liberty

Since my first semester at Liberty, I thought God was leading me to be a missionary in India, and I

felt like that was my purpose. I had gotten rejected when I applied for mission trips to India, so I felt worthless and like I would never live out my purpose. Estera told me, "Your existence brings joy." It was a new concept for me that I have value apart from anything I do, and whether I was able to go to India or not, I was still valuable.

Estera and I at her graduation, 2012

I used to believe that I was a bother to people and that people didn't want me around. One afternoon I was hanging out in the RA's room with a bunch of girls from our hall, and I finally just left without saying anything because I didn't think anyone cared that I was there. But Kendall noticed and yelled, "Bye, Laurel!" I was surprised that someone actually noticed and cared whether or not I was in the room, and I ended up coming back a few minutes later.

When I was considering suicide but knew I wasn't thinking clearly, I texted Sarah M. and asked her to pray for me. She skipped her next class and we hung out it the courtyard and talked, and she stayed with me to make sure I was safe until someone else could be with me. There were many other times we hung out when I was struggling with depression, and just being around someone who cared was so helpful.

Sarah C. was a good friend to me throughout college and even met me at the ER at a moment's notice on a Friday night when I was handcuffed and taken there due to suicidal thoughts.

Christin was there for me and listened to me as I struggled with self-injury and sorted through the aftermath and trauma of having suicidal thoughts and being handcuffed.

Sarah C. and I at the Mill Mountain Star, 2014

GAP Bonfire

In April of 2016, I got out of New Horizons (a residential counseling center) for the first time, and I knew something had to change or else I would probably attempt suicide. I new I needed to make friends. My mom's friend Debbie had recently told my mom about GAP, her church's graduates and professionals group. I had been putting off going, but I finally decided to take a big step and go to a GAP bonfire. I have social anxiety, and I hadn't really thought this out, so when I got there I was like, "What am I doing? I'm out in the middle of this field with all these strangers." Thankfully, Rebecca introduced herself, and after that I met several other people. And Heather and Melissa hung out with me for the rest of the night. And I have been going to GAP for over 3 years now.

GAP Retreat at Smith Mountain Lake, 2016

GAP Fall Retreat

In October I went to the GAP fall retreat at Smith Mountain Lake. I was depressed and struggling a lot with suicidal thoughts, but nobody at the retreat knew this. There wasn't anyone there that I knew really well, and most of the people that I did know were from my small group, which I had just started going to the month before. I rode up in a car with Macon, and he asked me a lot of questions about me and my job. It meant a lot that he seemed to genuinely want to get to know me.

That evening we played an odd game where we were paired up and were told to get to know our partner. Then we sat on the floor back to back and the leader asked which of us was most likely to do something, and we either raised our hand or pointed at the other person. I was partnered with Patrick. Although it was a little awkward sitting back to back with somebody I had just met, it was actually helpful to me because I really needed a hug, and with this game I at least got some type of physical touch and also got to meet someone new.

On Saturday afternoon I had been by myself journaling and finally decided I needed to go see what everyone was doing. Ezra invited me to play cornhole with him, Daniel and Timmy. I was partnered with Daniel, who is good at cornhole, and I am not very good. But Daniel was very patient and didn't get mad that we lost, and we still had fun. And something about that game flipped a switch in my head and I decided, "At least for this weekend, I'm not going to attempt suicide."

I was staying in a room with Haley, and I remember her being very friendly and welcoming.

Sam asked me if I was enjoying the retreat. Unfortunately I lied to her and said "Yes," but I appreciated that she cared enough to ask.

Erin sat with me when I was sitting by myself.

Jamie asked me to join her and Cathy for lunch.

Neal said "hi" and asked about my brother. He was also welcoming when I was new to Northstar Church.

Emily went to the trouble of making sure there was food I could eat with my weird stomach problems.

GAP Small Group

Soon after the retreat I had to go back to New Horizons. At small group the night before I left, Todd prayed for me and gave a card with a verse (Isaiah 41:10) on it that still encourages me today. Even though Jess was busy with grad school, she made time to take me to a meeting with Access, the people who determined whether New Horizons was a good fit or if I'd need to go to the hospital. She drove me to New Horizons and visited me while I was there. Melissa also visited me. When I got out of New Horizons, Jess gave me flowers and a card signed by our whole small group.

A couple weeks later, our small group was studying healing prayer, and we prayed for the people in our group who needed healing. The group prayed for me, and God healed me from depression. (You can read more about that in this blog post.)

Small group 2016-2017 (Missing Jess, Josh and John)

Everyone else I didn't get to mention

Jill met with me for the first couple years out of college and was one of my few friends before I started going to GAP. She was supportive when I was struggling with depression and also convinced me to tell my mom one time when I was struggling so she could help me stay safe.

Heidi and I at GAPsgiving, 2016

At GAPsgiving (GAP's Thanksgiving dinner) we had a photo booth, and Heidi asked me to have my picture taken with her. I remember being surprised and appreciative that she considered me a friend enough to take a picture.

Anthony has consistently been a good friend and been there for me for the whole time I've known him.

I've always appreciated that when I was depressed or anxious, I felt like I could be myself around Ezra. I didn't feel pressured to talk about what was wrong, and I didn't feel like I had to pretend I was happy. I could just hang out, and I didn't have to exhaust myself by pretending I was okay when I wasn't.

My counselor took my suicidal thoughts seriously even when I didn't understand how serious they were and encouraged me to go to New Horizons.

My parents tried to be supportive through my struggle with depression, and they visited me at New Horizons and also brought my dog Mandy to visit.

I don't want to give the false impression that everyone I came into contact with helped me. There were some people who said and did things that were very hurtful and made my struggle with depression harder. There were also people who helped in some ways and hurt me in other ways. But I write this as a reminder that you never know what someone else is going through or how big of an impact reaching out to someone in little ways could have. It is very for easy for me to get wrapped up in my own life and struggles, so this is a reminder to me as much as to anyone else to reach out to others.

Small Group 2017-2018

What I do with my "Free Time" as Someone with a Chronic Illness

I worked part-time as a data reductionist for almost 3 1/2 years, working anywhere from 16-20 hours

a week, depending on my health and energy level. Even though I was working a desk job and I had a required 10-minute break every hour, work took up the majority of my energy, so it could be difficult to find the energy to do anything outside of work. I had to prioritize work and "budget" my energy, which often meant missing out on social events or putting off errands like grocery shopping so I would be able to make it through the work week. Even though it was difficult to work when I was sick, I generally liked my job, and I liked to feel like a normal person and that I was doing something with my life.

This winter/spring my health got worse, and I developed a lot of new symptoms. I took what was intended to be a 3-week leave of absence from work at the end of March in order to rest and get my health back on track. However, my health kept getting worse and I kept having to extend my leave of absence. At the end of May I officially quit my job because of my health problems. I don't have an official diagnosis yet, but a lot of potential problems have been eliminated, and I know that at least one of my problems is related to my lungs.

Sometimes a friend will find out that I'm not working, or that I was only working part time, and they'll ask, "What do you do with all your free time?" Or "If you only work in the afternoon, then what do you do in the morning?" When you're healthy, these may seem like very reasonable questions. If I'm not working full-time, I must have plenty of time to do whatever I want, right?

These questions annoy me, but I try to be patient with people because I know that most of the time they mean well and are genuinely curious about what I do all day. Normally these people care about me but are just clueless about the nature of chronic illness. I was healthy for most of my life, so I know it's hard to understand chronic illness unless you've either experienced it yourself or been very close to someone who has.

One thing that takes up a lot of my time is all the medical tests and procedures I have done. These are most of the tests I've had done in the last several months.

⦁    Hida scan (Nuclear medicine imaging of my gall bladder)
⦁    Ultrasound (2)
⦁    Upper endoscopy
⦁    Colonoscopy
⦁    CT scan (2)
⦁    Bloodwork (I lose track, but several times)
⦁    EKG (5)
⦁    Urinalysis (3)
⦁    Chest X-rays (2)
⦁    Tilt-table test
⦁    Echocardiogram
⦁    Pulmonary function test
⦁    MRI

Add to this the appointments with my primary care doctor, various specialists, ER trips, and traveling out of town for doctors' appointments.

View of Richmond from VCU Hospital

I also need to sleep a lot to be able to even semi-function. This means sleeping 10-11 hours at night, plus taking a nap in the afternoon. I also have to take time to lie down even when I'm not officially napping because I get out of breath from walking around and getting ready for the day, and I have trouble breathing if I sit up for too long.

Another thing that takes up time is making doctors' appointments, calling up nurses to ask questions, and messaging my doctors on MyChart. Since I'm seeing a pulmonologist now, every morning and evening I use a peak flow meter (measures breathing) and inhaler, and it took me a few days to figure those out.

Inhaler and peak flow meter

I also spend time looking up information on my various medical conditions. Sometimes people say, "Don't Google medical stuff; you'll scare yourself!" There is some truth to this, and sometimes I do spend too much time Googling possible diagnoses. But some amount of internet searching is necessary, especially when I have rare illnesses that my doctors aren't familiar with.

I think that some people who ask what I do with my free time  may just want to know what I do for fun. So a better way to word the question might be something like, "What are your hobbies/interests?" or "What do you do to keep from going crazy?" There are a lot of my old hobbies that I'm either unable to do now or am very limited with, like hiking, biking and traveling. I still like being outside, and this spring I started photographing whatever animals happen to be in my yard, which is typically frogs and birds. I like playing with my puppy, Maple, journaling, and watching nature and travel documentaries. And occasionally, when I am feeling good enough, I write blog posts like this!

What it's Like Being Sick for 3 1/2 Years

I got Cdiff (a bacterial/intestinal infection) in the spring of 2015, and although I got rid of  the infection in a few months, I'm still dealing with the effects of the Cdiff. (You can read more about my experience with Cdiff in this post.) I have post-infectious IBS, probably as a result of the Cdiff damaging my small intestine. I have gradually been able to eat more foods than I used to be able to. But the bigger problem for me is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which I've had ever since I had Cdiff. (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is also known as Myalgic Encephalomyelitis or ME. Even though I prefer the name "ME" because "Chronic Fatigue" gives the false impression that it's just about being tired, the name hasn't really caught on in the US, so I generally call it Chronic Fatigue because that's what my doctors have called it.)

I haven't always been sick

Climbing a tree in WV, 2008

I was healthy for most of my life. Being sick isn't normal for me. And it frustrates me that my newer friends (which includes most of my friends) never knew the healthy version of me. I remember a high school youth leader calling me "Tigger" and "Jumping Bean" because I was energetic and always jumping around. My favorite thing ever was riding my bike. I would frequently go on 15-mile bike rides (or sometimes longer) on the Huckleberry Trail. I biked to class a lot when I went to Liberty. I also liked running, hiking and climbing trees.

It's not just being tired

Chronic Fatigue is a deceptive name, because it is a lot more than just being tired. Fatigue is just the symptom that happens to be the most constant for me. Here are just a few of the symptoms I sometimes have:
⦁    Fatigue (exhaustion, being physically tired, mentally tired, sleepiness)
⦁    Muscle weakness, particularly in my arms (To the extent that I sometimes have to take a short nap after washing my hair, and if I don't, my arms will shake)
⦁    Dizziness
⦁    Sensitivity to light and noise (Sort of like a migraine, but without as much pain)
⦁    Blurred vision/eyes won't focus
⦁    Headaches
⦁    Brain fog/trouble thinking

Add to this a whole bunch of stomach/digestive problems and other symptoms I don't consider directly related to the Chronic Fatigue, like having trouble breathing most mornings. I don't always feel awful, but I rarely feel good. It's a good day when I'm just a little tired and having trouble breathing!

It's all-encompassing

I have limited energy, so I work part-time (I'm currently working 19 hours a week). Because I only work part-time and have medical bills to pay, I don't have money to pay rent, so I live with my parents. This isn't completely a bad thing. I normally like living with my parents and my puppy. But I wish people understood that I live at home because I don't have a choice, and not because I'm lazy and trying to bum off of my parents.

It affects work

I'm a data reductionist, and overall I really like my job and it's a good fit for me with my health problems. It's part-time, I don't have to be on my feet a lot, I have a required 10-minute break every hour, and my supervisors normally don't have a problem with me calling out sick. But I recently had to turn down a promotion to lab proctor because it requires working 27 1/2 hours a week, plus an occasional Saturday, and it's not physically possible for me to work that many hours right now.
Normally I can make it to work and manage to get through the day, but sometimes it is hard to work at a computer when the fatigue causes my vision to blur or makes me think more slowly. And I don't have much energy left after work.

Doctors don't understand

Frequently, doctors don't take my symptoms seriously. And it probably doesn't help that I'm just not a dramatic person, so I may downplay the seriousness of my symptoms or joke about them. A lot of doctors have never heard of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, which is not entirely their fault because, as this article by ME Action explains, it just isn't normally taught in medical schools. There is also a lot of misinformation about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, so doctors sometimes suggest common treatments (such as graded exercise therapy) that can be harmful for some people. Sometimes going to doctors just seems to make my health worse and use up my money, which makes me want to avoid them. I had a doctor recently blame my fatigue on depression and not believe me that I'm not depressed. (I've been depressed for a lot of my life and had plenty of depression-related fatigue, but this is different.) I'm sure it is hard for doctors to deal with patients with chronic illnesses that they can't cure or understand. I just wish that they would be willing to refer me to specialists when nothing much shows up from normal check-ups and blood work.

Fear that people won't believe me

Since Chronic Fatigue is an invisible illness, I look reasonably healthy, so sometimes friends and acquaintances don't believe that there's anything wrong with me. Or they think that I'm exaggerating the seriousness of it. I have good days, and sometimes even good weeks or months, so this confuses people. I've also gotten good at planning ahead and  pacing myself. So if I'm able to make it to an event, it's normally because I've rested a lot and skipped doing other things in order to make it.

Isolating and lonely

Sometimes I'm unable to make it to work, church, small group or other events because of my health. My friends seem happy to see me when I make it to church or another event, but when I don't, they rarely check up on me, so I wonder if I was missed. I question whether my friends are really my friends when they're not always there for me in the way I wish they were. That being said, I'm sure it is hard to be a friend to someone who is sick, especially when you haven't experienced it yourself. Most people my age (and even older) haven't experienced chronic illness, so they just don't understand it. It is also possible that I just have unrealistic expectations for my friends.

Frustrating when people try to give advice

A piece of advice I get sometimes is to exercise more. I love biking, hiking and other types of exercise, and people have no idea how badly I want to exercise. But part of my illness is post-exertional malaise, which means that even mild exercise or normal activities like getting ready for work can make my symptoms worse. The other day I took a 20-minute walk, and then I had to lie in a dark room for a while because it gave me migraine-like symptoms. Sometimes I can tolerate more exercise, but it just depends. I know people are just trying to be helpful, but what helps one person (exercise, diet, more or less sleep, etc.) won't necessarily help someone else. This doesn't mean I don't want anyone to ever give me advice. I just wish people would think before speaking and not make me feel guilty for not always taking their advice.

Hard to plan for the future

One of the difficult things is not knowing whether or not I'll eventually get better. I don't know if I'll be better within a couple years, if my health will stay about the same, or if it will get worse and I'll have to be in a wheelchair or bedbound. Will I ever be able to work a full-time job? Will anyone want to date or marry me if I'm sick? How will I take care of kids if I barely have energy to take care of myself?

It's taught me not to take my health for granted

I have learned to be thankful for the good days and small improvements in my health. The fact that I was able to go to Iceland for 5 days last February and go hiking was basically a miracle!
Being sick has given me more compassion and understanding for people with chronic illnesses. I cannot imagine being sick for your whole life!

When I was healthy, I always thought that good health was something I "earned" by eating healthy and exercising, or that maybe I just had good luck. I thought that at least some sick people were to blame for their illnesses--that they were doing something wrong. But things aren't always that simple. God gives good health, and sometimes he takes it away. (Job 1:21)

I share all of this because I want people to believe me and understand me. I feel like I tend to repeat myself a lot in conversations with friends because they just don't get it. But I don't at all want my illness to be my identity, and I don't want to be thought of as "the sick person." In a lot of ways, I'm still the same person I always was. I still love going on adventures and being outside. I just have to be a little more creative and come up with adventures and outdoor activities I can do.

It's not all bad

There are some good things that have come from me being sick. If I was healthy, I probably wouldn't be living with my parents, and I wouldn't have gotten involved in Northstar Church or the GAP group or met a lot of my friends. I wouldn't have gotten to be with my dog, Mandy for the end of her life. I wouldn't have gotten to live with my puppy, Maple. I might never have worked at the job I've had for the past three years. I'm sure there's a purpose for what I'm going through; it just might be a while until I'm able to see that purpose.

With my lap puppy, Maple

For Further Information:

https://www.meaction.net/2016/06/08/medical-school-students-learn-little-about-mecfs/
https://www.verywellhealth.com/myalgic-encephalomyelitis-me-715663
https://www.verywellhealth.com/do-i-have-chronic-fatigue-syndrome-715822

Healing from Depression

I've known for quite a while that I eventually needed to write this blog post and let everyone know what God's done in my life, but for a variety of reasons, I've been putting it off. For one, I didn't know if the healing would "stick." I've struggled with depression for so much of my life, I thought surely it would return sooner or later. But now it has been nearly two years since God healed me, and that is hard to even believe. Another reason is that I know that many (probably most) people who struggle with depression are never healed, and I feel like that is unfair. One of my good friends from high school died from suicide a little over a year ago. Why did she die from depression and I was healed from it? There were so many times I could have died and didn't. I did nothing to deserve God's healing. I am thankful, but it still seems incredibly unfair. But at church today during the worship time, I decided it was time to share this.

The first time I remember being depressed, I was about 10 or 11, but I didn't know I was depression at the time. I just remember a few months of feeling sad for no particular reason and feeling far away from God. I dealt with depression off and on during high school and pretty consistently during college and after I graduated. I started struggling with suicidal thoughts during college. I graduated in 2015, and in 2016 my depression was triggered by a variety of things, including health problems, losing most of my friends from Liberty, and having hardly any friends my age where I lived. That year I had to go to New Horizons, a residential counseling place, three different times. (You can read about my experience the first time I went to New Horizons in this post.)

That year I started going to GAP, Northstar Church's Graduates and Professionals group. It was a huge blessing and so good to finally have friends, but even that didn't completely take away my depression. That fall I was going to a small group that my friend Michael V. was leading. We were going through a video series on prayer called Moving Mountains, based on a John Eldridge book. That week we were studying healing prayer. After the video and discussion, my friend Jess suggested that we try what we were learning and pray for those of us who needed healing. A couple of the people in our small group took turns sitting on the floor in the middle of the room and we all gathered around and laid hands on them and prayed for them to be healed. It was around November or December, and I had just gotten out of New Horizons for the third time and had gone to lots of counseling sessions, tried lots of coping skills, and tried a variety of medications, and was frustrated that nothing seemed to be helping my depression. Growing up in Baptist and Non-denominational (but basically Baptist) churches, I was pretty skeptical of miraculous healings, but at this point I was desperate enough I was willing to try pretty much anything. I asked my small group, and they laid hands on me and took turns praying for me to be healed from the depression. Within a couple weeks after that, I realized I wasn't depressed anymore. Other than a bad few days or a week here and there, I haven't been depressed since then.

Today at church, these songs reminded me of God's power, even over depression.

Shout it
Go on and scream it from the mountains
Go on and tell it to the masses
That he is God
("All the Poor and Powerless," by Leslie Jordan and David Leonard)  

Then on the third at break of dawn,
The Son of heaven rose again.
O trampled death where is your sting?
The angels roar for Christ the King
("O Praise the Name" by Marty Sampson, Dean Ussher and Ben Hastings)


I was reminded of one night in the fall of 2016 when I was really struggling. I was depressed, and there was a voice in my head (meaning thoughts that didn't seem to come from me, not an audible voice) that would not stop screaming at me to kill myself in a specific way and place. The voice would not shut up, and I felt like the only way to get the voice to stop was to act on those thoughts. Thankfully, God kept me from acting on them, and the voice eventually quieted down. Satan is powerful and depression is powerful, but God is still more powerful.

I don't know that I'm healed for the rest of my life--depression tends to be chronic--but I know I am healed for now. It's also been about a year and a half since the last time I cut, and quite a bit longer since I cut on a more regular basis. When I'm not depressed, I don't feel as much need to cut.
This doesn't mean that my life is perfect now. I still have to deal with chronic health problems and OCD, among other things. But I am in a much better place than I was a couple years ago, a place that I didn't even know was possible.

So why do I share all of this? Because God deserves praise for healing me. And because I want people to know that, while God doesn't always choose to heal people from depression, sometimes he does. It is possible for things to get dramatically better and to actually enjoy life again. Sometimes that healing comes through prayer, and sometimes it comes gradually through counseling, medication, friends, or a variety of things. Even if things are really bad now, it doesn't necessarily mean they'll always be that way. There is hope.

2016-2017 small group (missing Jess, Josh and John)

Mandy Stories

My dog Mandy died in April, a couple weeks after her 13th birthday. In the last post I shared more general information about Mandy and her life. Here are some of my favorite stories about Mandy.

The Toads

Mandy at 7 weeks

When Mandy was a puppy and we lived in North Carolina, she found a toad outside. We didn't notice and let her inside. She carried the toad in her mouth and dropped him under the dining room table. He lay on his back, playing dead. Mandy got bored with the "dead" toad and walked off, and we put him back outside.

When Mandy was a puppy, she liked to chew on anything, including books, so we had pulled the books off of the bottom shelf in our finished basement room, and it became "Mandy's shelf" that she liked to play on. Mandy found a toad outside and carried it into the basement room and dropped it on her shelf to play with. We took the toad back outside before she could play with it too much.

Fig Newtons

One evening when Mandy was a puppy, we left a package of fig newtons on the edge of the dining room table. She jumped up and grabbed the package and swallowed the package of about 6 fig newtons--in the cellophane wrapper. We were worried about her and called the vet, but they said they thought she would be okay and just told us to keep an eye on her. A couple days later the fig newtons came out--still in the wrapper!

Lifeguard Doggie

When Mandy was a big puppy, we took her to a swimming hole called Coontree. There was a pretty high rock/cliff that people liked to jump off of into the water. Mandy was on her long leash on the shore, watching people jump into the water. Mandy saw people jumping and disappearing under the water, and she freaked out, thinking they were drowning. She started crying and pulled so hard that she broke her leash and swam out to "rescue" the people. She swam back when the people came up and she realized they were okay.

Mandy swimming

Homeschooling

I was homeschooled for most of middle school and all of high school. In high school Mandy definitely had her favorite and least-favorite subjects. We watched a Geometry DVD from the Bob Jones curriculum called "Geometry with Mr. Cohn," and Mandy hated it! She would always lie on the floor and groan during Geometry. But she loved Literature! My mom and Jordan and I took turns reading out loud, and Mandy would wiggle on her back and get belly rubs.

Baby Bunny

I didn't see this happen, but my Mom told me about it and I saw the baby bunny later. Mandy was playing in the backyard and found a nest of tiny baby bunnies. She picked up one of the bunnies and gently carried it in her mouth back to the house. The bunny died, but there were no teeth marks on it. We think it must have died of a heart attack!

Volleyball

Last spring I took Mandy to watch a beach volleyball game my friends from GAP (Northstar Church's graduates and professionals group) was playing. She loved watching volleyball and didn't want to leave! It was a hot day and I didn't want Mandy to overheat, so I tried to take her back to the car, but she didn't want to move. My friend Erinn had brought her little dog Polie to the game. Mandy didn't like Polie because when we first got there Polie barked and maybe growled at her. Erinn knew I was trying to leave, so she picked Polie up and set him down next to Mandy. Mandy gave Polie a disgusted look and got up and moved maybe a couple yards and then lay down again. Erinn picked Polie up and set him down next to Mandy again. Mandy finally got up let me take her back to the car.

The Rattlesnake

Last summer for Father's Day, my parents and Mandy and I went hiking at the War Spur Trail past Mountain Lake. We were letting Mandy hike off leash since there aren't normally many people on the trail, and Mandy is normally good about staying on the trail. Mandy was in front and I was a little behind her. Suddenly Mandy stopped, and we realized she had stopped to look at a huge rattlesnake in the middle of the trail. Mandy was only about a foot or two away from the snake, and it had its head up and was rattling. Mom and Dad kept calling Mandy and I was screaming at her, but she wouldn't come. I finally decided I would get behind Mandy, as far from the snake as I could, grab her collar and yank her away, and risk getting bitten. But before I could grab her, Mandy finally came to my parents very reluctantly and thankfully did not get a snake bite.

The rattlesnake

Cheerios

When Mandy was little we tried to teach her to fetch, and she was good at bringing the ball back, but it was hard to get her to give it up so we could throw it again. We started bribing her to drop the ball by throwing Cheerios, and we would grab the ball while she was getting the Cheerios. This was supposed to be temporary, but somehow "Cheerio fetch" lasted the rest of her life. At some point my mom started buying off-brand Cheerios for Mandy and name-brand Cheerios for herself because the off-brand ones were cheaper and Mandy didn't seem to care. The off-brand Cheerios were also a good snack to take on walks and a low-calorie snack for when she was begging. Mandy didn't seem to mind until the day before she died. She started to lose her appetite and wouldn't eat the off-brand Cheerios, even if I put them in my hand. I wondered if she would eat the name-brand ones, so I put some in her bowl and she gobbled them up!

Mandy with a Cheerio stuck on her jowls