In April, and again in June, I went to New Horizons, a residential treatment place, for depression. (You can read more about that here.) They have a peer support group for people who have stayed at New Horizons in the past. The group has been helpful to me as I've recovered from depression. It can help to be around other people who struggle with mental illness, to see that I'm not alone. But I've realized the last couple months or so that I don't fit in with the group like I used to. I'm not doing "badly enough." This has been happy/sad for me.
It's happy because I'm finally recovering from depression. I'm able to go to work and concentrate. I'm able to be home alone and be confident that I can stay safe by myself. I can finally live a normal life and just enjoy life.
But it's sad because New Horizons became like a second home to me. I finally belonged somewhere, and now I don't belong anymore. God really used New Horizons in my life, and I'm thankful to have a place like that relatively close to where I live. I learned a lot from the counseling groups about how to deal with depression, anxiety and anger. I got to know lots of people I probably would never have met otherwise. I'll miss the walks we went on at New Horizons ... the time we picked flowers and covered the table with them. The time we explored a graveyard from the 1800s. I'll miss the cat, Hammy, hanging out on my bed.
But I think it's time to move on.
As I drove home from peer support today, I heard the words of a Sara Groves song playing: "I have a new hope that blows away this small hope I knew before."
A few months ago a friend shared a verse with me that she wanted me to memorize.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
I remember reading that verse and thinking how crazy it was to think that I could be overflowing with hope. Hope just seemed so distant. But I think I'm getting there. With God's help, I can see that there is so much hope.
