The Overcomer

Friends talk and laugh

Scattered in clusters

Happiness

She floats above them

Sees herself standing with her friends

Together

Invisible

Alone

She watches herself fake a smile

Force a laugh

She used to feel alive

Forever ago

Seems like another lifetime

A life when the sun shone

Her friends loved her

Life had meaning

Now breathing is mechanical

Her heart beats slowly

She forces her feet to move

Step. Step.

Days blend together

Each one the same

Her mind is chained

Eyes blinded by darkness

She’s suffocating from pain

When will this end?

When will she feel?

When will she see?

She holds the pills, throws them out

Takes the rope, puts it down

Grasps the knife, puts it away

You call her selfish

You call her weak

You call her a quitter

But she is the courageous

She is the misunderstood

She is the strong

She is the growing

Her heart is still beating

Her lungs are still breathing

She’ll climb out of bed

Once again

She’ll walk out the door

Another chance

She’ll watch the sun rise

Another day

She’s still alive

She is the overcomer

Keep Living, and Someday You'll Feel Alive

Last night I was walking back from the library to my dorm and I realized something. I feel alive. The cool wind was blowing hard, blowing my hair in my face. I looked up at the stars glowing in the dark sky. The dying oak leaves were still holding onto the tree, rustling in the wind. The God who made the powerful wind loves me. The God who put the stars in the sky chose me. 

The same is true for you.  

Depression can leave you feeling dead, emotionless. Or void of any feelings but hurt and sadness. But keep on. Don’t give up! Keep living, and someday you’ll feel alive.

Will it Get Better?

Will it get better? I have asked myself this question so many times. As someone who has struggled with depression off and on since childhood, I have wondered, Will life always be as hard as it is now?

Last semester, one of my professors was talking about the book of Psalms, and he went on a tangent about people who commit suicide. He wondered, What if they had just kept going one more day? What if things would have gotten better the next day? He said, “Tomorrow might be the day of surprise. Tomorrow might be the day when God comes through.”

Sometimes, in an effort to be encouraging, people say, “Things will get better.” Maybe that’s true. Maybe it’s not. I’m not going to sit here and say that you won’t continue to struggle (whether that’s with depression or something else) for the rest of your life. Because I don’t know that. Speaking from personal experience, life always has its ups and downs. The downs may return, but that doesn’t mean the ups don’t exist. After a hard couple of months, I have been able to enjoy a solid month of being happy most of the time. So nice!

Tomorrow may be hard, but don’t let that ruin today.

Life may not get better. But it might. And that “might” is reason enough to hope. 
~

*Note--I believe it can and will get better! It's now been almost 4 months since I've been depressed! :) 

Reflections on "Good Enough"

Are we held captive by the lie that we're not good enough because we've never defined the term "good enough"? "Good enough" is such a vague and elusive idea. Or is perfection our ideal, our idea of "good enough"? Then no wonder this lie holds us captive! We take one step toward this ideal; it backs two steps away. Perfection is unattainable, but we subconsciously convince ourselves that it is possible. When we reach for this ideal that we think is firm, we're grasping vapor, a cloud that slowly drifts away. For who can be perfect? After all, who determines what's "good enough"? When will we have arrived?
    Pursuing "good enough" is not worth it if it drains the life from our souls, removes the health from our bodies, drips blood from our skin, steals the joy from our hearts.
    We are good enough in the eyes of our Creator, the only One whose view of us matters. When God created us, He didn't say, "We'll see how she does" or "Guess he'll have to do." NO! We are created in the image of GOD, the beautiful and perfect One. When He made us, He said, "It is VERY GOOD"! Not just "good enough"--VERY GOOD!!!
    Let's take comfort in that, instead of constantly striving after our own undefined and unattainable standard of "good enough." You are not what you do. You are not how you perform. You are who you are. You are VERY GOOD!!!

Nov. 24, 2010 

Little Girl

Precious baby girl

So innocent, naïve

As I look into your eyes

I see a heart that’s pure

For now you are protected

From anything that hurts

I’d hold you in my arms forever

If I only could          

I’d shield your eyes from seeing evil 

Keep your mind from turmoil

Protect your heart from feeling pain

                              

Before too long you’ll learn to talk

Before too long you’ll learn to walk

You will learn and grow

Eyes slowly opening to the world

Little girl, just four years old

You saw them fight

You don’t understand

I promise you

It’s not your fault

Still you are left

With wounds which leave

A lasting scar

As lies are branded

On your heart

Little girl

Who’s growing up

You’ll make mistakes that you’ll regret

You’ll think you’ve lost your innocence

Your present wrapped up in your past

You’d give anything to take it back

But now you carry so much shame

You cannot bear all this pain

You’d like to cast it all away

But little girl, do not forget

That you are loved

By your Heavenly Father

He has carried you

Since you were born

He will carry all your pain

He will remove all of your shame

His voice speaks louder than the lies

He’ll wipe away the tears you cry

For he’s the One who makes you pure

And holds your heart until the end

Fight for Life

With every struggle that I face

With every hurt and all this pain

I wonder at the reason

This life has always been so hard

The difficulty never leaves

Why should I even try to fight?

For all I want is to escape

To hide from chaos, pain and fear

To feel alive and to find joy

To rest and live and breathe

I wonder if the struggle

Will be worth it in the end

But giving up does not bring life

And giving in does not dull pain

Running away does not bring peace

So I will fight and never quit

I will press on until the end--

Until I have found life