I Can't Escape Your Love

Who else runs after me when I run away?
You draw me back when I disobey
You hold me close when I push you away
When I hide in myself
You're the God who sees me 
You love me as I am
When I embrace brokenness
Hold onto familiar pain
You show me that healing is better
You love me
When I don't love myself
When I want to give up
You protect me from myself
When I basically slap You in the face
You still stroke my hair
And tell  me You love me
When I feel alone
You hold my hand
I can't escape Your love

Do You See Me?

She tries on an outfit—the fifth one this morning

Maybe today he’ll notice

Maybe today he’ll like me

Do you see me?

He goes to football practice after school

Another hour of sweaty, hard work

Maybe this time Dad will be proud

Do you see me?

She eats her lunch

Hides in the bathroom stall

Throws up her food

Will I ever be good enough?

He walks into his room, slams the door

Blasts the music to drown out the yelling

Can I escape?

She cuts her arms, bleeds

Hides it under hoodie sleeves

Do you believe my pain is real?

He picks up the gun, sets it back down

Does my life have meaning?

Answers come, which were once hidden in silence

Warm sunbeams pierce what was once cold darkness

As God steps down

And enters into pain

You are my precious child

I love you

I formed you in your mother’s womb

I know you

I planned every day you would live

I want you

I have never left you and never will

I’m with you

I wear the wounds and scars for you

I heal you

My eye is on you

And I will never look away

I see you

A Strange Christmas

Christmas 2011--Decorating the tree . . . sort of ;)

I knew this Christmas would not be “normal.” Christmas has not been normal for the past three years. (But what is a “normal” Christmas, anyway?!)

When I was a kid and my family lived in North Carolina, we always stayed home for Christmas. My parents, my brother and I ate breakfast and then opened presents around the Christmas tree. Later we would go to my grandparents’ house and have Christmas dinner. Sometimes my aunt, uncle, and cousins from Tennessee would come too. When my family moved to Virginia in 2006, our Christmas was similar, except that Christmas day was normally spent with just my immediate family. 

Nana and Grandfather's house--Dec. 2012

In the beginning of December, 2012 my Nana passed away, about a week after she had a stroke. She was 91. I know that she is with Jesus and is no longer suffering, but I obviously still miss her! Christmas in 2012 was the hardest because my Nana had just passed away a couple weeks before. We spent Christmas in NC with my grandfather. 

I miss picking out Christmas presents for Nana...she was always the easiest person to buy for because she liked pretty much anything I got her! 

Me and Nana--a looong time ago ;)

This year my grandfather is 95. I thought we might be spending this Christmas at the hospital because grandfather was having some major health problems, but he got out of the hospital a couple days before Christmas. My family opened presents on Christmas Eve, went to our church’s Christmas Eve service, and drove to NC on Christmas morning. We visited my grandfather and had Christmas dinner with him and read the Christmas story. 

Drive to NC on Christmas morning

Squished in the car with Mandy :)

In some ways, it may not have been the “ideal” Christmas. But it was good. A fun, “normal” Christmas is nice, but it doesn’t guarantee happiness. I’m learning to be okay with strange Christmases... and strange holidays in general!   

Why?

The meaning of Christmas is still the same. God became human in Jesus. Jesus came. He was born. He lived. He died. He rose to life. He returned to heaven, where He rules forever.

Jesus is with us, always, wherever we are. He will never leave us. He is faithful. Jesus brings hope. 

“She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins. All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: ‘The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him ‘Immanuel’—which means, ‘God with us.’” Matthew 1:21-23 

The Fight

She sits on the floor, plays with her dolls

She tries to ignore them

But still hears it all

Her mommy is sobbing

Her grandmother yells

Grandfather, stubborn

Won’t change his mind

Couldn’t care less

That his daughter’s not fine

Daddy leads the girl away

But she still hears all that they say

Her 4-year-old heart

Hears the lies, feels the fears

“This wouldn’t be happening

If you were not here”

She’s the one guilty

But that soon will change

She’ll be the good girl

She’ll play the part well

And when all else fails

She’ll punish herself

This world isn’t safe

And it never will be

I’ll just make them happy

And then they’ll love me

But she didn’t know

She didn’t see

That horrible fight

Was for her safety

Mom loved her enough

To keep her free

So she’d enjoy childhood

As it was meant to be

She believed she was worthless

Guilty, condemned

But she was worth fighting for

She’ll be loved to the end