My Relationship with Depression

They say it’s time for us to break up

For good this time

None of this playing games

But they don’t get

How much I need you

We’ve been together for so many years

I don’t even know who I am

Apart from you

I’ll admit it

You’ve been hard on me

You’re mean

You say nasty things about me

And sometimes I believe them

You’re miserable to be with

But where else would I go?

You’re the one who’s always been there

Sitting with me in the darkness

You’ve given me ways to cope—

Albeit unhealthy ways

You’ve reminded me

That I only have to live a little bit longer

And then I can rest

I know we’re dysfunctional

I know I should leave

But I don’t know how

Where would I go?

How can I separate myself

When we’ve become one?

Do I stay with my miserable partner

Or leave and be alone?

Life is not a Destination

When I was in college, I was anxious to graduate because I felt like I was supposed to graduate by 22 or at least 23. That just seemed to be when everyone graduated, so I felt like something was wrong with me if it took me longer to finish school. I ended up taking 6 years to finish college and graduating at 24. That may not be the norm, but I know that with everything going on in my life, I was doing good to graduate at all!

Going to Liberty, Ring by Spring was another "deadline" I missed. Not only did I not get engaged by the spring of my senior year; I hadn't even had a boyfriend! Why do we feel like we have to be engaged at 22, married at 23, and have kids by 25? (I'm making up the numbers, but you get the point.) It's great for people who fit this timeline, but what about the rest of us? Have we failed?

Now that I've graduated, the expectation is for me to work 40 hours a week. But I have health problems, so I only have the energy to work part-time.

I was a Global Studies major, and in my major there was a lot of pressure on us to move overseas soon after we graduated. And that is what I wanted to do. I had dreamed of living overseas for years. But now, between physical and mental health problems, I can't live overseas for now.

Why do we put these expectations on ourselves? Will we really be happy when we arrive at the destination of graduation, marriage, etc.? We have our whole lives to live. Let's slow down and enjoy the journey. We'll get there when we get there.

Recovery and Not Fitting In

In April, and again in June, I went to New Horizons, a residential treatment place, for depression. (You can read more about that here.) They have a peer support group for people who have stayed at New Horizons in the past. The group has been helpful to me as I've recovered from depression. It can help to be around other people who struggle with mental illness, to see that I'm not alone. But I've realized the last couple months or so that I don't fit in with the group like I used to. I'm not doing "badly enough." This has been happy/sad for me.

It's happy because I'm finally recovering from depression. I'm able to go to work and concentrate. I'm able to be home alone and be confident that I can stay safe by myself. I can finally live a normal life and just enjoy life.

But it's sad because New Horizons became like a second home to me. I finally belonged somewhere, and now I don't belong anymore. God really used New Horizons in my life, and I'm thankful to have a place like that relatively close to where I live. I learned a lot from the counseling groups about how to deal with depression, anxiety and anger. I got to know lots of people I probably would never have met otherwise. I'll miss the walks we went on at New Horizons ... the time we picked flowers and covered the table with them. The time we explored a graveyard from the 1800s. I'll miss the cat, Hammy, hanging out on my bed.

But I think it's time to move on.

As I drove home from peer support today, I heard the words of a Sara Groves song playing: "I have a new hope that blows away this small hope I knew before."

A few months ago a friend shared a verse with me that she wanted me to memorize.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

I remember reading that verse and thinking how crazy it was to think that I could be overflowing with hope. Hope just seemed so distant. But I think I'm getting there. With God's help, I can see that there is so much hope.

Take me as I am

Take me as I am today

Not how I'll be tomorrow

Take me with all my confusion

Don't wait until I make sense 

In my own mind         

Take me with all my doubts

Quiet the angry voices

That scream in my head

Take me with all my anger

And quiet me with love

Take my messy life

Let me see it still has value

Maybe someday

We can talk about change

But right now I just need you to love me

I don't want to have to 

Be someone else

I want you to accept 

Me for me

The Cinder Block: My analogy for depression

Depression can be hard to explain, and it can be really hard for people who have never experienced it to truly understand. This is one way I like to think of it.

Being depressed is like having a cinder block hanging from your heart. It's heavy and painful, but you can't do anything to get rid of it. You have to drag it with you wherever you go. Sometimes it seems heavier than others. Some days you might be able to live normally, but with an underlying sadness and something that slows you down a little. Other days, it's all you can do to just get out of bed. People might think you're just being lazy or having a bad day, but you know the pain you feel and the motivation that's missing.

But there are things that can help to lighten the cinder block for me. Taking a nap (although I have to be careful not to oversleep). A hug from a friend. Spending time with people who care.

If you know someone with depression, try to remember that it can be hard to live a normal life while carrying a "cinder block." 

If you have depression, remember that life will probably not always be this painful. There will be days when the cinder block lightens or disappears completely and you can enjoy life again.

Light for Life

Life is going nowhere

What is hope?

Do I dare reawaken buried dreams?

Emptiness and loneliness are what I know

And life means death to me       

 

I stare at the pills

But I don't have to take them

The gun calls to me

But I won't listen

The rope tries to pull me

But I resist

The knife beckons me

But it's not my only option

 

Friends cannot be found

But someday I'll meet them

Health fails

But I'll learn to accept it

Dreams, like bulbs

Are buried in the ground

But someday they'll break through the surface

Buds will open, flowers bloom

When the path to hope is blocked

It's found in His life        

Darkness all-encompassing

Can't keep out the rays of light

The path to life seems shut off

But His arms are still open wide

Healing is elusive

But it's found in His wounds

He will guide me in the path of life

For He is my Light

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16:11, ESV

Hope Hides

Like the sun

Hiding behind storm clouds

Hope hides

Behind hopelessness

Healing                

Behind pain and brokenness

Belonging

Behind the loneliness

Light

Behind the darkness

Freedom

Behind bondage

Truth

Behind the lies

Peace and rest

Behind the torment

Purpose

Behind lostness

Life

Behind death

Peel back the layers

Let me feel hope and meaning

Open my eyes 

Restore my sight

Open my mouth

That I may taste hope

Open my heart

Let me live