Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Boss in my Brain: A Letter to OCD

This is is basically my story, although I did get the idea for a letter from a To Write Love on Her Arms blog post.


Dear Boss in my Brain,

You stole my childhood.

How many hours did I spend obeying your demands when I could have been playing outside?

You lied to me. 

You told me you'd keep me safe. You told me if I just did what you said, I would stay healthy. My friends would accept me. My parents and teachers would be proud. 

You mocked me as I angrily accepted the 4th grade "Neatness Award." That stupid certificate wasn't worth the hours wasted forming each letter slowly, perfectly.

Dear Boss in my Brain,

You play on my fears
Of sickness, death, rejection, disapproval.

You're the constant nagging voice, telling me that if I don't do things just your way, I won't be "good enough."

You torment me with the idea that if I don't confess my sins "just so," God won't forgive me. That if I don't measure up, God won't love me. 

How much money have I spent on medication that muffles your voice but doesn't shut you up?

And I'm sure now you're smiling wickedly as I recount all your "successes" and how you've stolen my life. 

You convinced me that you own me. That I'm your slave and I can never escape. That you're just a part of who I am. And for many years I believed you—until a friend told me how she'd been set free from her own "boss." Hope was awakened because I saw that, just maybe, freedom was possible for me too. 

Dear Boss in my Brain,

You planned to exploit me and torment me. 

But you didn't plan for me to learn at an early age that God can bring good out of pain.

You didn't plan for me to learn not to believe everything I hear. 

You didn't plan for me to learn God's true heart of love.

Dear Boss in my Brain,

You no longer own me, for I have a new Master.

He speaks words of life, not condemnation.
He tells me, "Do not fear."
He loves me so much that he was even willing to die in my place.
He seeks my good and not my harm.
He is the One I've chosen to follow.
He is the One I'll listen to.
My new Master
Is Jesus. 

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Random things that help with depression

I've struggled with depression to some extent since childhood and more so since high school. This is just a list of things that have helped me to cope with depression or lessened my depression at one time or another. None of these things are necessarily a cure. Since everyone's different, some of these ideas may help you and others may not. Don't get overwhelmed by trying to do all of these; these are just some ideas. And there are probably plenty of other helpful things that I didn't mention here. This list is somewhat random and isn't in order of importance or anything. I hope this is encouraging/helpful to others who struggle with depression. It is a good reminder to me! ;)

Being outside

Not sure how this would work for someone who hates the outdoors lol . . . But I love being outside! It is a lot more peaceful, and it feels easier to breathe.

Reminding yourself of the truth

It is so easy to believe lies when you're depressed. For example, "I'm worthless," "I'm a bother to people," "Life is hopeless," etc.

But, if you have a relationship with Jesus, these are some of the things that are true:
Sometimes, if the depression is bad enough, I have trouble remembering what the truth is. At times like this, it's helped me to have good friends remind me of what's true. 

Exercise

I know that this can be really frustrating (and probably overused) advice. I like to compare this advice to telling someone who has the flu to go run a 5K! (And this is coming from someone who's bad at running!) It can be extremely hard to make yourself get out of bed and go to school or work, much less exercise! So don't feel like you have to push yourself too hard. But getting a little bit of exercise (taking a walk, going on a short bike ride) can really help you feel better emotionally.

Sleep

Within reason . . . It's easy to sleep too much when you're depressed, but not getting enough sleep can definitely make it worse!

Eating 

Once again, within reason! Depression is different for everyone, so some people eat too much and others eat too little. I often lose my appetite, but I usually feel better if I make myself eat something.

Spending time with friends

It's best if they're "safe" friends . . . friends you can be yourself around, and you don't have to pretend to be happy when you're not.

Seeing a counselor

Aka. therapist. For some reason I really hate the name "therapist," so I always call them counselors. Sometimes it can take a few tries before finding someone who's good for you.

Antidepressants

This isn't for everybody, but they can be really helpful if the depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. I've also heard that low vitamin levels can cause depression, so vitamin supplements could help with that.

Writing/journaling/poetry

Sometimes it's easier for me to express my thoughts and feelings through writing than through talking. I also like to journal and write my prayers to God.

Listening to music

But you have to be careful with this one. Depending on the music, it can make you feel better or worse.

Playing an instrument

For me it's guitar. :)

Animals

Play with your pets . . . or your neighbors' pets! ;) Unless, of course, you hate animals!

Prayer

You might be tired of hearing this one. Christians can so flippantly say, "Just pray about it!" as if that fixes everything. But we weren't designed to carry our burdens and pain, by ourselves; it will crush us if we try! It is such a relief when you finally give your burdens to God. And you have to keep going to him again and again.

Reading the Bible

I really like reading Psalms. It is comforting and reminds me of God's love.

Making a list of things you're  thankful for

Some people seem to think that unthankfulness and pessimism are the only causes for depression, and that is not true! However, thankfulness has helped me because it changes my perspective and it's a way to praise God.

Making a list every day of things that made you happy

This is something my counselor suggested last year. It helped to change my perspective. You may not find something every day, and that's okay. But don't overlook the little things that make you smile: Seeing a friend, hearing a friend's laugh, eating food you like, seeing a sunrise/sunset, playing with your dog . . .

Looking for the beauty around you

Even in the pain and ugliness of life, there's still beauty. Don't miss it!  Sunrises and sunsets, flowers--alive or dead!, trees, colors and patterns, smiles, laughter . . .





Tuesday, August 18, 2015

You See, I See: Perspectives on Depression



(Written Dec. 2014)

You see... I’m behind on homework
I see... I’m still in school
You see... I didn’t write my paper
I see... I also didn’t cut myself
You see... I skipped class again
I see... I spent time with a friend
You see... I’m underweight
I see... I ate something
You see... I stayed in bed all day
I see... I didn’t kill myself
You see... I’m always sick
I see... I’m trying my hardest
You see... I don’t have an ‘A’
I see... I haven’t given up
You see... I’m being unsocial
I see... I made myself leave my room
You see... my room is a mess
I see... Sometimes survival is a higher priority than cleanliness
You see... I have to take medicine                 
I see... I haven’t overdosed
You see... I don’t have a job
I see... I’m not in the hospital
You see... I work slowly
I see... I try to do a good job
You see... I missed church
I see... I’m growing

Monday, August 3, 2015

The Longing



You said, “Follow me.”
I said, “I’ll follow You.”
You said, “It will cost you everything.”
I said, “You’re all I want. You are my life.”
But that was then
And this is now
And I don’t know
If you’re enough       
I ask, If you are all I need
Why do I long for something more?
If You’re the One who heals
Then why this gaping wound?
If you’re the All-Sufficient One
Then why this ever-growing void?
If you really love me
Why won’t you give me what I need
Or else take away this longing
So I can finally have some peace?
But now, it seems, I must decide
Who I will love and trust
You, Your Word and ways
Or myself and my desires
I either follow You
Ignore my heart
Shut out the longing
Plug my ears as it screams to me
Or I give in
Follow my heart
Fulfill desires
Shut You out
And lock the door
But lovingly You warn me
And I know
My heart’s deceitful
But You are Truth
My way will enslave me
In the end, it brings me death
When it seems
You’re holding me back from life
It’s then that You’re saving my life
The very thing that promises
To fill my heart
Would leave me broken, bleeding
Lifeless, disillusioned
But for every longing
You are enough
And so for this longing
You are enough
You are my Shepherd
I shall not want