Fight for Life

With every struggle that I face

With every hurt and all this pain

I wonder at the reason

This life has always been so hard

The difficulty never leaves

Why should I even try to fight?

For all I want is to escape

To hide from chaos, pain and fear

To feel alive and to find joy

To rest and live and breathe

I wonder if the struggle

Will be worth it in the end

But giving up does not bring life

And giving in does not dull pain

Running away does not bring peace

So I will fight and never quit

I will press on until the end--

Until I have found life

The Prison of the Mind

For so long I’ve been a slave

A prisoner to lies

Truths and half-truths weave together

Occupy my mind

Thoughts of death and darkness

Secret fears and sin

And though you try to reach me

I cannot let you in

The darkness is intoxicating

I breathe in and out the lies

Though you may try to help me

I’ll tell you I am fine             

The lies are slowly killing me

But they are all I know

If I left them all behind

To where else would I go?

I cannot live like this forever

Something has to give

I need someone to help me

Someone to let me live

For too long I’ve been a slave

A prisoner to lies

I need someone to free me

From the prison of my mind

I need to feel the love

That I’ve been numb to all these years

To feel your arms around me

To cast away my fears

I need to see the purpose

The meaning in my life

To know that there is so much more

Than pain, darkness and lies

If I let you love me

Then maybe I could see

The truth behind the lies

Buried deep inside of me

Depression

The sun shines down

And warms her face

The cool breeze blows

Against her skin

She lies in the green grass

Stares up at the blue sky

Happiness—

This feeling is so foreign

She knows it is not here to stay

But she’ll enjoy it while it lasts

Uneasiness sets in

The sky turns gray

A cool fog dampens her skin

She knew this companion of darkness would return

God, please make it leave, she whispers

The familiar lies run through her mind.

You are worthless.

You will never be good enough.

You’re alone.

You might as well give up.

She tries to remember what’s true

But lies are all she can hear

They all expect her to be happy

To just wake up and be okay

They won’t believe that she is sick

And cannot heal herself

What they do not know

Is that just living, breathing

Is exhausting

Pretending to be happy

Just makes things worse

When she’s dying inside

Simultaneously hurt and numb

She’s afraid to keep on living

But giving up is not an option

So she’ll keep on fighting

Keep on breathing

And hope that someday

This darkness will fade

Someday she’ll find hope

And know the Truth

That sets her free

Alive

You’re alive

You are not dead

Your heart is beating

Lungs are breathing

You’re alive, you’re alive

You are thinking, you are feeling

You’re alive, you’re alive

The pain is real      

And it is strong

But hope is real

And it is stronger

You’re alive, you’re alive

So go outside

And smell the flowers

Hear the wind blow in the trees

Listen to the birds that sing

Feel the sun upon your face

You’re alive, you’re alive

The God who’s made creation good

Has declared you “very good”

You’re alive, you’re alive

You are loved and you are worthy

Precious child of the King

You are clean and you’re forgiven

Brought from darkness into light

And in Him you find your healing

You’re alive, you’re alive

The Problem with Self-Punishment

“Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment, so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him.” Hebrews 9:27-28

                                   

Many people all over the world, from various religions, hurt themselves physically to try to please their gods. But when is the self-punishment enough? There’s never any assurance of salvation.

Many people hurt themselves for various reasons—by cutting, or in other ways. There are many reasons people do this, but a common reason is self-punishment. We know that sin cannot go unpunished. It cannot simply be excused. Blood must be shed. Even Hebrews 9:22 says, “And without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” The problem comes in when we think it’s our own blood that needs to be shed. If we hurt or punish ourselves every time we sin, does that really take away our sin? No, we’ll probably sin again pretty soon! And how will we know when we’ve suffered enough, hurt ourselves enough? It can never be enough!

In the Old Testament, God instructed the Jews to sacrifice animals to “pay” for their sins. But these animals could not take the people’s sin away permanently. The people kept sinning, so they kept having to offer sacrifices every year. But God sent his perfect Son, Jesus into the world to die in our place, for our sins. He bled and died, and after three days, he rose to life. His blood was enough to cover all our sins, past, present and future. He forgives us for everything we have done wrong. Because He died once, we have no need to punish ourselves again and again and again. Jesus takes away our sin completely, forever, and self-punishment cannot. We need to simply accept Jesus’ death in our place and his forgiveness, and thank him for it.

So maybe you’re thinking, “Okay, but I don’t self-injure. How does this relate to me?” Well, when you sin, do you accept Jesus’ forgiveness, or do you continue to beat yourself up with guilt and shame? Do you place your identity in the mistakes you’ve made? Do you think you’re a failure and get discouraged about how many times you’ve messed up in the same way? We are not saved from our sins by the good works we do, but by what Jesus did for us. Jesus did the work by taking our punishment on himself. It is our choice whether we will accept his gift to us.

Beauty from Pain

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” –Isaiah 43:18-19

This time last year I was in the Middle East for two weeks with a group of my friends from Liberty. I’ve been thinking about what I learned during my time in the Middle East, as well as what I’ve learned in the past year.

To say this past year has been easy would be a lie. I’ve made a lot of memories, had a lot of good times, but frankly, this year has been hard.

I don’t like it when life is hard, and I don’t think anyone really does. It is not fun when your friend dies, when your grandparents die, when you wonder if you’ll pass your classes or even be able to stay in school, when you’re depressed, when you feel alone. But when I look back on my life, it is usually in hard times that I really grew. The hard times are often the only thing that forces me to rely on God instead of myself.

When I went to the Middle East, the girls on our team got to spend a lot of time with the women and children in their homes. Some of the women were very open and shared their stories with us. The stories I heard and the things I saw are the kinds of things I had only heard about...not like anything I had ever experienced. I saw poverty, abuse, neglect. I got to know a woman in her early 30s who had an arranged marriage at age 15 and now had seven kids. I met 21-year-old lady who was her husband’s third wife out of four. She was responsible for caring for all ten of her husband’s children. I met so many women and girls who did not know how incredibly beautiful they are. One woman told us, “In our culture, we are not allowed to be beautiful.” I looked into eyes filled with a depth of darkness, emptiness and pain that I had never seen before. But these eyes belonged to a six-year-old boy. I could see the hurt hidden behind people’s smiles. I met kids who would soak up every ounce of love and attention we could give them.

When I was in the Middle East I began to be thankful for the hard things I have been through, because those experiences gave me more compassion and understanding for the people I met. I admired the strength these people had to keep going and not give up. No, I did not understand everything they were going through! I did not even understand their language! But I could relate, even in a small way, to their pain and brokenness.

Do I like hard times? No. Would I want to relive the hard times? No. Do I praise God through the hard times? Unfortunately, not like I should. But I am thankful that nothing in our lives is wasted.

It’s from the deepest wounds

That beauty finds a place to bloom

And you will see before the end

That every broken piece is

Gathered in the heart of Jesus

And what’s lost will be found again

And nothing is wasted

Nothing is wasted

In the hands of our Redeemer

Nothing is wasted

-Jason Gray, “Nothing is Wasted”

After our first day of work in the Middle East, our team piled into the van and drove back to the place where we were staying. One of the workers turned on his iPod, and the song “Beautiful Things” by Gungor was playing.

All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found?

Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

This song was such a comfort and a reminder that God is able to bring good out of any situation. He can even bring beauty out of the pain that we saw in the lives of the people we met in the Middle East. With God, no situation is hopeless, and no person is hopeless.

What better example is there of beauty coming from pain than the life of Jesus? God sent his Son to earth to die for a sinful, broken people. Jesus was crucified, even though he had done nothing wrong. If the story ended there, we would have no hope. Pain and death would be victorious. But after three days, Jesus was raised to life. It is because of Jesus’ resurrection that we have hope. Life out of death. Beauty from pain.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead...In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” -1 Peter 1:3, 6-7

Daddy, Do You Love Me?

I wrote this a few weeks ago. This is what God's been teaching me recently about his love. :)

(5-year-old girl) 

Daddy, do you love me?
Yes, my little princess, I love you.
Even when I'm bad, Daddy?
Yes, darling, even when you're bad, I love you.
Even when I lied to you?
I loved you.
When I ran away from you?
I loved you.
Daddy, when did you start loving me?
My daughter, I have always loved you. I loved you even before you were born.

(15 years later)

Daddy, are you there?
Yes, my daughter.
Daddy...do you still love me?
Yes, my daughter, I will always love you.
But Daddy, if you knew what I've done...
Darling, what did you do?
I tried to lose weight 'cause I wanted them to love me.
But I love you.
I tried to get love from a guy.
I love you.
But I cut myself.
I still love you.
I thought about killing myself.
My daughter, you are precious to me and I still love you.
But Daddy...I don't feel like you love me.
But I do love you.
But Daddy, how do I know? How do I know that you love me?
See these scars on my wrists? These scars show my love for you. I loved you so much that I died for you. Because I died, you don't need to kill yourself. Because I was wounded, you don't need to hurt yourself.
But Daddy, I don't deserve it. I'm not worthy of your love.
Darling, I don't love you because you are worthy; I just love you because.
Daddy, I love you!
I love you too, my little princess, and I will always, always love you.