Take me as I am

Take me as I am today

Not how I'll be tomorrow

Take me with all my confusion

Don't wait until I make sense 

In my own mind         

Take me with all my doubts

Quiet the angry voices

That scream in my head

Take me with all my anger

And quiet me with love

Take my messy life

Let me see it still has value

Maybe someday

We can talk about change

But right now I just need you to love me

I don't want to have to 

Be someone else

I want you to accept 

Me for me

The Cinder Block: My analogy for depression

Depression can be hard to explain, and it can be really hard for people who have never experienced it to truly understand. This is one way I like to think of it.

Being depressed is like having a cinder block hanging from your heart. It's heavy and painful, but you can't do anything to get rid of it. You have to drag it with you wherever you go. Sometimes it seems heavier than others. Some days you might be able to live normally, but with an underlying sadness and something that slows you down a little. Other days, it's all you can do to just get out of bed. People might think you're just being lazy or having a bad day, but you know the pain you feel and the motivation that's missing.

But there are things that can help to lighten the cinder block for me. Taking a nap (although I have to be careful not to oversleep). A hug from a friend. Spending time with people who care.

If you know someone with depression, try to remember that it can be hard to live a normal life while carrying a "cinder block." 

If you have depression, remember that life will probably not always be this painful. There will be days when the cinder block lightens or disappears completely and you can enjoy life again.

Light for Life

Life is going nowhere

What is hope?

Do I dare reawaken buried dreams?

Emptiness and loneliness are what I know

And life means death to me       

 

I stare at the pills

But I don't have to take them

The gun calls to me

But I won't listen

The rope tries to pull me

But I resist

The knife beckons me

But it's not my only option

 

Friends cannot be found

But someday I'll meet them

Health fails

But I'll learn to accept it

Dreams, like bulbs

Are buried in the ground

But someday they'll break through the surface

Buds will open, flowers bloom

When the path to hope is blocked

It's found in His life        

Darkness all-encompassing

Can't keep out the rays of light

The path to life seems shut off

But His arms are still open wide

Healing is elusive

But it's found in His wounds

He will guide me in the path of life

For He is my Light

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16:11, ESV

Hope Hides

Like the sun

Hiding behind storm clouds

Hope hides

Behind hopelessness

Healing                

Behind pain and brokenness

Belonging

Behind the loneliness

Light

Behind the darkness

Freedom

Behind bondage

Truth

Behind the lies

Peace and rest

Behind the torment

Purpose

Behind lostness

Life

Behind death

Peel back the layers

Let me feel hope and meaning

Open my eyes 

Restore my sight

Open my mouth

That I may taste hope

Open my heart

Let me live

What I learned from spending 11 days in residential treatment for depression

I have been depressed since around January or February. It started out with apathy, and it's gotten worse since then. A couple weeks ago, I met with my counselor and it became clear that I wasn't able to keep myself safe. Fortunately, I didn't have to go to the hospital, but the next day I went to New Horizons, a residential treatment place about 20-30 minutes from where I live. I went home on Monday (25th). These are some of the things I learned from this experience.

People value me and care about me more than I thought

The staff and the other residents had just met me, but I could tell that they really cared about me, and I cared about the other residents too. We were all struggling in one way or another, but we were in it together. I guess I should stop believing the lie that not many people would really miss me if I died.

The value of getting to know all kinds of people

I'm thankful that I got to spend a lot of time with people I probably wouldn't have normally hung out with. It can be easy to get caught up in our differences and things on the surface--things like age, gender, school, spiritual beliefs, sexual orientation, etc. But at New Horizons those normal barriers were broken down, and I could see that we're all just people trying to live and heal.

Not everyone who's depressed acts like the stereotypical depressed person

I realized I'm more normal than I thought. Many people who are depressed can still laugh and be happy at times, and that doesn't mean that that they're not hurting or depressed.

I have to believe the truth, or else this is where I'll end up

Whether "this" is New Horizons, locked up in a hospital, or worse. My natural, sinful inclination is to destroy myself. Doing what I want doesn't bring freedom; it actually brings death. If I want to live, I really have no other option but to believe the truth about who I am. In secular psychology, I think this would be called "positive affirmations" or "positive self-talk."

Given enough time, I can adjust to living pretty much anywhere.

In the past several years, I have lived in 5 different dorms, had 14 roommates, lived in an apartment, lived at home with my parents, and visited two other countries. And now I guess I can add residential therapy to the list. It was really hard, especially for the first couple days, but it got better. I don't like change, but I guess I can get used to it.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

DBT helped me learn to deal with my emotions and thoughts in a more healthy way. I feel more peaceful and in control, knowing that I don't have to act on every impulse I have, and I don't have to let my emotions control me. We had group therapy every day, which was helpful to me.

To rely on God--because He's the only one I had.

This was especially true the first couple days. I was overwhelmed because I had to ask for my stuff (clothes, toiletries, etc.), I was away from everything familiar, and I couldn't leave. God kept showing me in little ways that he was there with me. Everything was out of my control, but He was still in control. 

I'll be honest and admit that I'm still depressed. I'm still seeing a counselor and trying to figure out a medication that will help me without giving me bad side effects. But I am in a better place than I was before coming to New Horizons, and I'm thankful for the experience.

Thoughts on my Health--or Lack Thereof

How it all started . . .

I've had pretty good health for most of my life. I got sick more often during my last few years of college-- usually strep, bronchitis or just a cold. But things didn't really get bad until about a year ago. I was gradually getting stomach aches and heartburn more often, but things really got bad over spring break of my last semester of college. Bad stomach aches, a fever, and other symptoms you may not want to know! ;) I was scared that I had cancer. I went to my family doctor and a gastroenterologist, and they both thought I had Ulcerative Colitis, or possibly Chron's Disease. Long story short, after some tests, we found out I actually had a bacterial infection called C diff. (Chron's and Colitis were ruled out, fortunately, but not until a few months later.) The infection was really hard to get rid of; it took a few rounds of antibiotics. The antibiotic that finally killed it after 3 or 4 months (Vancomycin) is one that I've heard is used to kill MRSA!

 

How did you get it? 

That is what everyone wants to know. The short answer: I don't know! But here's what I suspect. Last fall (2014) I was on antibiotics for both strep throat and bronchitis. The antibiotics probably killed off a lot my good intestinal bacteria, making me more susceptible to infections. I could have gotten the Cdiff from anywhere-- a public restroom, a doctor's office, a shopping cart . . . I wasn't taking a lot of probiotics when I was on antibiotics, and probiotics are needed to repopulate the good bacteria. I tried to have a cup of yogurt most days, but that was not nearly as much probiotics as I needed.

 

Some people don't believe I'm sick

 

Senior pictures while I was sick! I prayed so much that I would be healthy enough for pictures. This was a better day.

I used to think that mental illness was the only kind of illness that people didn't take seriously. Evidently that's not true.

"But you look healthy!" "Maybe it's in your head." These are just a couple of the comments I've gotten. I think people are normally well-meaning; they just really don't get it!

And just a piece of advice: If someone tells you they can't eat a certain food, don't pressure them to eat it! Most likely, they are not just being a picky eater. People don't just get mild stomach aches from eating certain foods. Some people get ulcers, severe acid reflux or allergic reactions.

Don't take your health for granted

 

I used to be in pretty good shape and get a lot of exercise. In middle school and high school I did martial arts. Over the past several years, one of my favorite things to do has been going on 15-mile bike rides. It's been a long time since I've ridden my bike that far, but I'm thankful that I can go on short bike rides sometimes. I have also gradually been able to eat more foods.  

Learning to do what's best for me

Sometimes my health problems have really limited and complicated my social life. I am someone who likes to keep my commitments; if I say I will be somewhere or do something, I want to do what I said, if at all possible. Sometimes I have to cancel my plans at the last minute, which is something I hate to do. I know that if I push myself too much, I will get overtired and be more likely to get sick. To people who don't understand, it might look like I don't keep my commitments.  I have had to learn not to be controlled by other people's expectations. I know my body better than anyone else does, so I know how far I can push it and when I need to rest. 

There is no quick fix or one-size-fits-all solution

Gluten-free, dairy-free, etc. doesn't help everyone. It may be worth a try, but it's not a guaranteed cure for every problem. Medications or supplements that help one person may not help someone else, because everyone is different.

One of my dad's friends said I should go to a group home that helped one of his relatives who was anorexic. I'm glad that it helped her, but I'm not anorexic. I'm skinny because most foods make me sick. I have been trying for a while to gain weight, but it doesn't work very well because my body won't digest a lot of what I eat or absorb the food's nutrients.



Hopefully in my next blog post I can look at some ways to avoid getting Cdiff.