The Longing

You said, “Follow me.”

I said, “I’ll follow You.”

You said, “It will cost you everything.”

I said, “You’re all I want. You are my life.”

But that was then

And this is now

And I don’t know

If you’re enough       

I ask, If you are all I need

Why do I long for something more?

If You’re the One who heals

Then why this gaping wound?

If you’re the All-Sufficient One

Then why this ever-growing void?

If you really love me

Why won’t you give me what I need

Or else take away this longing

So I can finally have some peace?

But now, it seems, I must decide

Who I will love and trust

You, Your Word and ways

Or myself and my desires

I either follow You

Ignore my heart

Shut out the longing

Plug my ears as it screams to me

Or I give in

Follow my heart

Fulfill desires

Shut You out

And lock the door

But lovingly You warn me

And I know

My heart’s deceitful

But You are Truth

My way will enslave me

In the end, it brings me death

When it seems

You’re holding me back from life

It’s then that You’re saving my life

The very thing that promises

To fill my heart

Would leave me broken, bleeding

Lifeless, disillusioned

But for every longing

You are enough

And so for this longing

You are enough

You are my Shepherd

I shall not want

Considering Liberty? (Advice/thoughts for students considering Liberty University)

I just graduated from Liberty last month. :) I attended Liberty from Fall 2010-May 2015. I just wanted to share some of my thoughts, for anyone who's considering going to Liberty. I'm trying to include some of the good and bad things about Liberty, but realize that some of this is just my personal opinion and experiences.

Christian College

LU Monogram

Liberty is a VERY Christian college! It is not one of those schools that claims to be Christian but doesn't demonstrate that in any way. This is one of the things I love most about Liberty. Liberty tries to integrate a Biblical teaching and lifestyle in everything. That being said, not every Liberty student is a Christian. Sometimes international students from other religions come to Liberty because their parents feel that it is safer and more conservative than a secular college in America. Some non-Christian students come to Liberty because they got an athletic scholarship. Other students have grown up in Christian homes, but they never made a personal decision to follow Jesus. 

When I was trying to decide where to go to college, I wondered, should I go to a secular college where I'll be around non-Christians all the time and have more opportunities to share my faith? Or should I go to a Christian college that might help me grow in my faith? There are pros and cons either way. There are definitely opportunities to share your faith at Liberty, but you have to be a little more proactive. One way to do this is by getting to know people in Lynchburg who don't go to Liberty. I did Campus Serve (community service group) for two years and got to know lots of  kids and single moms in Lynchburg.

Size

Liberty Convo, Jan 2015, Meredith Andrews Concert

Liberty is HUGE! Not nearly as big as some colleges, but definitely not small.  "Liberty's annual enrollment includes 13,800 residential students and over 100,000 online students as of May 2013." (Wikipedia) The size can be a little overwhelming, but I got used to it pretty quickly, and I'm not the most outgoing person ever! (Really, the most annoying part is the crowded hallways between classes! And the lines at food places.) I got to know people, and Liberty started to seem more like home. I was pretty shy when I came to Liberty, but one thing that helped me to make friends was being on a traditional hall/dorm (i.e, not a quad/apartment-style dorm) for my first few years. Living on a hall with about 60 girls practically forced me to get out of my comfort zone and make friends. However, this approach doesn't work for everyone. Some people do better living on smaller halls (such as East or the Quads) or off campus.

CFAW (College for a Weekend)

If you're considering going to Liberty, I'd recommend going to CFAW, mostly to see what the classes are like and to learn your way around campus. BUT, if you have a bad experience at cfaw, don't let that alone keep you from deciding to attend Liberty. A lot of students LOVE cfaw, but there are some who hate it. Most Liberty students try to be kind and helpful to cfaws, but there are some students who will prank them, give them wrong directions, etc. (Hint: Don't buy "Convo tickets"! Convo is FREE and REQUIRED!!) Sometimes we complain about cfaws taking up our parking spaces, crowding the Rot (cafeteria), or distracting us when we're trying to do homework. Try not to take these things personally. We love you guys; there's just too many of you at once!! ;)

For anyone who's interested, here's a link to the CFAW page.

Rules (The Liberty Way)

Liberty's rules can be annoying, but I don't think they're as big of a deal as some people make them out to be. For one thing, the threat of reps (reprimands/points) can discourage you from making choices you'd likely to regret. I was surprised at some of the temptations I faced when I came to Liberty, and I was thankful to be at a school that does not encourage sinful or unwise choices. Yes, there are plenty of Liberty students who drink, sleep with their boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. And many of them get away with it. But it's not everyone. And it's easier to resist temptations when everyone around you isn't giving in and pressuring you to join them.

Also, the leadership often gives students grace when they break a rule if they know that the student is struggling with sin, not living in rebellion. The student may have to go to the Student Conduct Office but not actually get reps. Sometimes Conduct will have students meet with a campus pastor (or "Life Skills Coordinator") to work through their struggles. And the campus pastors are pretty awesome. :) But obviously, it's better to just obey the rules. The leadership often does show grace, but you can't count on it, especially if it's a repeated offense.

As far as the dress code . . . it really depends on who you compare it to, whether it's strict or not. And it's loosening up. For example, students are now allowed to wear T-shirts to class (except for certain schools like Business and Government, where professional dress is required). Girls are allowed to have stud nose rings now. And I think the rule about guys having short hair has changed . . . I've seen a lot of guys with long hair this past year!

Ring by Spring

You don't have to be at Liberty very long to hear about "ring by spring." There are plenty of girls who come to Liberty to get their "MRS degree"! And the leadership almost encourages this, not to mention some of the Convo speakers! Dorms are paired up into "brother dorms" and "sister dorms" to make it easier for guys and girls to meet. I've heard guys complain, "I just wanted to get coffee with a girl, and now she expects me to marry her!" (From what I hear, the obsession with finding a husband/wife at college is a Christian college thing, not just a Liberty thing.)

A LOT of Liberty students do get engaged before they graduate. But a lot don't. So you're pretty normal either way! A lot of people think, With thousands of Christian guys/girls in one place, I must be able to find a husband/wife! But it's a bit more complicated than that. You don't meet every guy/girl on campus. And then you have to both be attracted to each other and interested in dating. And then there's the issue of whether you have similar interests, life plans, etc. Add to this the fact that you're supposed to be focusing on schoolwork! I survived 5 years at Liberty without even being asked out! (Unless you count the random guy in the Rot who wanted my number . . . or the guy in the computer lab who asked if I'd marry him, based just on attractiveness . . .) So if you meet your future spouse at Liberty, that's awesome! But if you don't, that's okay too.

Dorm 1 . . . now replaced by 8-story dorms

Change

Liberty is ALWAYS changing! It is like a never-ending construction site, with multiple projects going on at once. The amount of change on Liberty's campus over the past 5 years is insane! It looks totally different than when I was a freshman. Three of the dorms I've lived in have been torn down. (Rip dorms 2, 14 and 16!) You can see  some of the construction projects here.

Add to this the changes in leadership... The director of Convo changed from Johnnie Moore to David Nasser, the worship leaders for Convo and Campus Church have changed so many times, professors have moved or retired . . . the list goes on! The changes can be really annoying, but it's something you get at least somewhat used to. But despite the fact that I hate change, I love Liberty!!

Liberty's not perfect, but really, no college is. I am so thankful for my time at Liberty. I am sure that God led me there. He used my time at Liberty to change me and draw me closer to him. I've made so many amazing friends and met people from all over the world. Plus the classes are interesting (usually) and the professors are amazing!

Obviously I'm biased, but I totally recommend Liberty! But really, the important  thing is to be where God wants you, whether that's Liberty or somewhere else. If you pray and seek God about where you should go to college, he can make it clear to you.

 

If You Only Knew

Although the topic is different, I got some ideas/inspiration for this poem from my friend Mandy Moore's poems, particularly Her Only Choice and Speak Up Sweet Child.

The point of this poem is that we shouldn't judge others because we have no idea what they're going through. That's not to say that sin is okay or that it should be encouraged. 

If you only knew

That this was not her choice

If you only knew 

Maybe you’d give her back her voice

If you could only spend

A few moments in her mind

Maybe you would stop

Before judging her this time

If you only knew

What she had missed when she was young

Maybe you would understand

Just how this all begun

If you could feel the boulder

Hanging from her heart

Maybe you would stop

Before tearing her apart

If you only knew

Struggle isn’t always sin

Maybe you would help her fight

And tell her she can win

If you only knew

That Jesus was a friend sinners

You might also be her friend

Instead of judging her a sinner

If you could only feel

Everything she felt

Maybe you would shut your mouth

Instead of saying, “Burn in Hell”

If you only knew 

That this was causing her to bleed

Maybe you would try to be

The friend she really needs

If you knew the guilt and shame

She carries every day

Maybe you would carry her

And not just turn away

If you only knew

That her time is running out

You would show her she is needed

Instead of causing her to doubt

If you only knew

Just how much she wants to live

You would step outside yourself

And to her freedom, give

If you only knew

That all she really wants is love

You would show her she is cherished

And washed with Jesus’ blood 

If you only knew 

That she is one of us

You would treat her like a treasure

Instead of trampling her like dust

Why Cutting Doesn't Work

This is what God has been teaching me, and I've been slowly learning to accept, over the past several years. I know that cutting/self-injury is an addiction, and it can take a while for the truth to go from your head to your heart. 
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Note--I'm not trying to leave out people who have self-injured in ways besides cutting. But I'm focusing more on cutting here because that's the main way that I've self-injured. I also realize that there are many people who are in tons of pain, who deal with it in different--often healthier--ways than self-injury.
________

There are lots of different reasons people self-injure--to feel something besides emotional pain, to numb the pain, to punish themselves, as an escape, a way to deal with stress, a way to feel in control, a way to cope with abuse . . . the list goes on. For me, cutting has been a way to deal with depression and to express the pain I feel. It seems to take the emotions and everything on the inside that is hard to express, and take it to the outside where it seems more manageable--at least temporarily.

Several years ago I saw a picture of a girl who had cut a pattern down her arm--from her shoulder to her wrist. There was something sickly interesting and intriguing about that picture. I was kind of jealous that I didn't have the guts to do that.

Sometimes I've felt so much pain (or shame, or whatever) that I've wished I could cut all over my body--at least my arms and legs. I've wanted to let the pain and sin and shame and depression and everything on the inside, out. But it hurts too much, and I've (fortunately!) never gone that far. But how much would I have to cut to fully express my pain? Sometimes I have thought that the only way I could hurt myself enough would be to kill myself. I can relate so much to a quote from the book Cut (Mercy For Series) by Nancy Alcorn:

"I became frustrated because there was nothing I could do to physically hurt myself enough to compensate for the pain I felt inside . . . I realized I could not cut enough to make the pain go away." (Pg. 65-66)

When I was at the Good Friday Service at my church yesterday, I was thinking about how, when Jesus was crucified, He bled so much. His arms, his legs, his whole body, was covered in cuts and wounds.

Shedding my blood DOESN'T REALLY WORK. But that's okay--even good--because JESUS BLED FOR ME. I don't need to bleed to express my pain, because my pain is expressed in Jesus' wounds. It may seem that my pain is lumped together with the pain of the rest of the world, but Jesus can see my individual pain, and that is what matters. Jesus died for me and rose to life, so I don't have to die to find relief from my pain. 

Your pain is never too much for Jesus to handle; he has already carried it. Healing is always possible. It may not come overnight, but it will come eventually. If you mess up, go to God, ask for forgiveness, and KEEP GOING. 

Jesus' blood is enough.

"But He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5 

"But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord." Jeremiah 30:17

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"Then [Jesus] said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.'" John 20:27


(If you have questions/comments, feel free to comment, e-mail or FB message me.) :)