Hope Hides

Like the sun

Hiding behind storm clouds

Hope hides

Behind hopelessness

Healing                

Behind pain and brokenness

Belonging

Behind the loneliness

Light

Behind the darkness

Freedom

Behind bondage

Truth

Behind the lies

Peace and rest

Behind the torment

Purpose

Behind lostness

Life

Behind death

Peel back the layers

Let me feel hope and meaning

Open my eyes 

Restore my sight

Open my mouth

That I may taste hope

Open my heart

Let me live

What I learned from spending 11 days in residential treatment for depression

I have been depressed since around January or February. It started out with apathy, and it's gotten worse since then. A couple weeks ago, I met with my counselor and it became clear that I wasn't able to keep myself safe. Fortunately, I didn't have to go to the hospital, but the next day I went to New Horizons, a residential treatment place about 20-30 minutes from where I live. I went home on Monday (25th). These are some of the things I learned from this experience.

People value me and care about me more than I thought

The staff and the other residents had just met me, but I could tell that they really cared about me, and I cared about the other residents too. We were all struggling in one way or another, but we were in it together. I guess I should stop believing the lie that not many people would really miss me if I died.

The value of getting to know all kinds of people

I'm thankful that I got to spend a lot of time with people I probably wouldn't have normally hung out with. It can be easy to get caught up in our differences and things on the surface--things like age, gender, school, spiritual beliefs, sexual orientation, etc. But at New Horizons those normal barriers were broken down, and I could see that we're all just people trying to live and heal.

Not everyone who's depressed acts like the stereotypical depressed person

I realized I'm more normal than I thought. Many people who are depressed can still laugh and be happy at times, and that doesn't mean that that they're not hurting or depressed.

I have to believe the truth, or else this is where I'll end up

Whether "this" is New Horizons, locked up in a hospital, or worse. My natural, sinful inclination is to destroy myself. Doing what I want doesn't bring freedom; it actually brings death. If I want to live, I really have no other option but to believe the truth about who I am. In secular psychology, I think this would be called "positive affirmations" or "positive self-talk."

Given enough time, I can adjust to living pretty much anywhere.

In the past several years, I have lived in 5 different dorms, had 14 roommates, lived in an apartment, lived at home with my parents, and visited two other countries. And now I guess I can add residential therapy to the list. It was really hard, especially for the first couple days, but it got better. I don't like change, but I guess I can get used to it.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

DBT helped me learn to deal with my emotions and thoughts in a more healthy way. I feel more peaceful and in control, knowing that I don't have to act on every impulse I have, and I don't have to let my emotions control me. We had group therapy every day, which was helpful to me.

To rely on God--because He's the only one I had.

This was especially true the first couple days. I was overwhelmed because I had to ask for my stuff (clothes, toiletries, etc.), I was away from everything familiar, and I couldn't leave. God kept showing me in little ways that he was there with me. Everything was out of my control, but He was still in control. 

I'll be honest and admit that I'm still depressed. I'm still seeing a counselor and trying to figure out a medication that will help me without giving me bad side effects. But I am in a better place than I was before coming to New Horizons, and I'm thankful for the experience.

Thoughts on my Health--or Lack Thereof

How it all started . . .

I've had pretty good health for most of my life. I got sick more often during my last few years of college-- usually strep, bronchitis or just a cold. But things didn't really get bad until about a year ago. I was gradually getting stomach aches and heartburn more often, but things really got bad over spring break of my last semester of college. Bad stomach aches, a fever, and other symptoms you may not want to know! ;) I was scared that I had cancer. I went to my family doctor and a gastroenterologist, and they both thought I had Ulcerative Colitis, or possibly Chron's Disease. Long story short, after some tests, we found out I actually had a bacterial infection called C diff. (Chron's and Colitis were ruled out, fortunately, but not until a few months later.) The infection was really hard to get rid of; it took a few rounds of antibiotics. The antibiotic that finally killed it after 3 or 4 months (Vancomycin) is one that I've heard is used to kill MRSA!

 

How did you get it? 

That is what everyone wants to know. The short answer: I don't know! But here's what I suspect. Last fall (2014) I was on antibiotics for both strep throat and bronchitis. The antibiotics probably killed off a lot my good intestinal bacteria, making me more susceptible to infections. I could have gotten the Cdiff from anywhere-- a public restroom, a doctor's office, a shopping cart . . . I wasn't taking a lot of probiotics when I was on antibiotics, and probiotics are needed to repopulate the good bacteria. I tried to have a cup of yogurt most days, but that was not nearly as much probiotics as I needed.

 

Some people don't believe I'm sick

 

Senior pictures while I was sick! I prayed so much that I would be healthy enough for pictures. This was a better day.

I used to think that mental illness was the only kind of illness that people didn't take seriously. Evidently that's not true.

"But you look healthy!" "Maybe it's in your head." These are just a couple of the comments I've gotten. I think people are normally well-meaning; they just really don't get it!

And just a piece of advice: If someone tells you they can't eat a certain food, don't pressure them to eat it! Most likely, they are not just being a picky eater. People don't just get mild stomach aches from eating certain foods. Some people get ulcers, severe acid reflux or allergic reactions.

Don't take your health for granted

 

I used to be in pretty good shape and get a lot of exercise. In middle school and high school I did martial arts. Over the past several years, one of my favorite things to do has been going on 15-mile bike rides. It's been a long time since I've ridden my bike that far, but I'm thankful that I can go on short bike rides sometimes. I have also gradually been able to eat more foods.  

Learning to do what's best for me

Sometimes my health problems have really limited and complicated my social life. I am someone who likes to keep my commitments; if I say I will be somewhere or do something, I want to do what I said, if at all possible. Sometimes I have to cancel my plans at the last minute, which is something I hate to do. I know that if I push myself too much, I will get overtired and be more likely to get sick. To people who don't understand, it might look like I don't keep my commitments.  I have had to learn not to be controlled by other people's expectations. I know my body better than anyone else does, so I know how far I can push it and when I need to rest. 

There is no quick fix or one-size-fits-all solution

Gluten-free, dairy-free, etc. doesn't help everyone. It may be worth a try, but it's not a guaranteed cure for every problem. Medications or supplements that help one person may not help someone else, because everyone is different.

One of my dad's friends said I should go to a group home that helped one of his relatives who was anorexic. I'm glad that it helped her, but I'm not anorexic. I'm skinny because most foods make me sick. I have been trying for a while to gain weight, but it doesn't work very well because my body won't digest a lot of what I eat or absorb the food's nutrients.



Hopefully in my next blog post I can look at some ways to avoid getting Cdiff.

Boss in my Brain: A Letter to OCD

This is is basically my story, although I did get the idea for a letter from a To Write Love on Her Arms blog post.


Dear Boss in my Brain,

You stole my childhood.

How many hours did I spend obeying your demands when I could have been playing outside?

You lied to me. 

You told me you'd keep me safe. You told me if I just did what you said, I would stay healthy. My friends would accept me. My parents and teachers would be proud. 

You mocked me as I angrily accepted the 4^th grade "Neatness Award." That stupid certificate wasn't worth the hours wasted forming each letter slowly, perfectly.

Dear Boss in my Brain,

You play on my fears

Of sickness, death, rejection, disapproval.

You're the constant nagging voice, telling me that if I don't do things just your way, I won't be "good enough."

You torment me with the idea that if I don't confess my sins "just so," God won't forgive me. That if I don't measure up, God won't love me. 

How much money have I spent on medication that muffles your voice but doesn't shut you up?

And I'm sure now you're smiling wickedly as I recount all your "successes" and how you've stolen my life. 

You convinced me that you own me. That I'm your slave and I can never escape. That you're just a part of who I am. And for many years I believed you—until a friend told me how she'd been set free from her own "boss." Hope was awakened because I saw that, just maybe, freedom was possible for me too. 

Dear Boss in my Brain,

You planned to exploit me and torment me. 

But you didn't plan for me to learn at an early age that God can bring good out of pain.

You didn't plan for me to learn not to believe everything I hear. 

You didn't plan for me to learn God's true heart of love.

Dear Boss in my Brain,

You no longer own me, for I have a new Master.

He speaks words of life, not condemnation.

He tells me, "Do not fear."

He loves me so much that he was even willing to die in my place.

He seeks my good and not my harm.

He is the One I've chosen to follow.

He is the One I'll listen to.

My new Master

Is Jesus. 

Random things that help with depression

I've struggled with depression to some extent since childhood and more so since high school. This is just a list of things that have helped me to cope with depression or lessened my depression at one time or another. None of these things are necessarily a cure. Since everyone's different, some of these ideas may help you and others may not. Don't get overwhelmed by trying to do all of these; these are just some ideas. And there are probably plenty of other helpful things that I didn't mention here. This list is somewhat random and isn't in order of importance or anything. I hope this is encouraging/helpful to others who struggle with depression. It is a good reminder to me! ;)

Being outside

Not sure how this would work for someone who hates the outdoors lol . . . But I love being outside! It is a lot more peaceful, and it feels easier to breathe.

Reminding yourself of the truth

It is so easy to believe lies when you're depressed. For example, "I'm worthless," "I'm a bother to people," "Life is hopeless," etc.

But, if you have a relationship with Jesus, these are some of the things that are true:

• You are loved--perfectly and unconditionally (Romans 5:8, 8:35-39; 1 John 3:1, 4:16)
• God will never leave you (Joshua 1:9, Isaiah 43:2, Hebrews 13:5)
• You belong to God (John 10:27-30, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
• You are valuable (Genesis 1:26-27, Psalm 139, Isaiah 43:7)
• There is always hope (Jeremiah 29:10-11, 31:17;  Romans 5:3-5)

Sometimes, if the depression is bad enough, I have trouble remembering what the truth is. At times like this, it's helped me to have good friends remind me of what's true. 

Exercise

I know that this can be really frustrating (and probably overused) advice. I like to compare this advice to telling someone who has the flu to go run a 5K! (And this is coming from someone who's bad at running!) It can be extremely hard to make yourself get out of bed and go to school or work, much less exercise! So don't feel like you have to push yourself too hard. But getting a little bit of exercise (taking a walk, going on a short bike ride) can really help you feel better emotionally.

Sleep

Within reason . . . It's easy to sleep too much when you're depressed, but not getting enough sleep can definitely make it worse!

Eating 

Once again, within reason! Depression is different for everyone, so some people eat too much and others eat too little. I often lose my appetite, but I usually feel better if I make myself eat something.

Spending time with friends

It's best if they're "safe" friends . . . friends you can be yourself around, and you don't have to pretend to be happy when you're not.

Seeing a counselor

Aka. therapist. For some reason I really hate the name "therapist," so I always call them counselors. Sometimes it can take a few tries before finding someone who's good for you.

Antidepressants

This isn't for everybody, but they can be really helpful if the depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. I've also heard that low vitamin levels can cause depression, so vitamin supplements could help with that.

Writing/journaling/poetry

Sometimes it's easier for me to express my thoughts and feelings through writing than through talking. I also like to journal and write my prayers to God.

Listening to music

But you have to be careful with this one. Depending on the music, it can make you feel better or worse.

Playing an instrument

For me it's guitar. :)

Animals

Play with your pets . . . or your neighbors' pets! ;) Unless, of course, you hate animals!

Prayer

You might be tired of hearing this one. Christians can so flippantly say, "Just pray about it!" as if that fixes everything. But we weren't designed to carry our burdens and pain, by ourselves; it will crush us if we try! It is such a relief when you finally give your burdens to God. And you have to keep going to him again and again.

Reading the Bible

I really like reading Psalms. It is comforting and reminds me of God's love.

Making a list of things you're  thankful for

Some people seem to think that unthankfulness and pessimism are the only causes for depression, and that is not true! However, thankfulness has helped me because it changes my perspective and it's a way to praise God.

Making a list every day of things that made you happy

This is something my counselor suggested last year. It helped to change my perspective. You may not find something every day, and that's okay. But don't overlook the little things that make you smile: Seeing a friend, hearing a friend's laugh, eating food you like, seeing a sunrise/sunset, playing with your dog . . .

Looking for the beauty around you

Even in the pain and ugliness of life, there's still beauty. Don't miss it!  Sunrises and sunsets, flowers--alive or dead!, trees, colors and patterns, smiles, laughter . . .

You See, I See: Perspectives on Depression

(Written Dec. 2014)

You see... I’m behind on homework

I see... I’m still in school

You see... I didn’t write my paper

I see... I also didn’t cut myself

You see... I skipped class again

I see... I spent time with a friend

You see... I’m underweight

I see... I ate something

You see... I stayed in bed all day

I see... I didn’t kill myself

You see... I’m always sick

I see... I’m trying my hardest

You see... I don’t have an ‘A’

I see... I haven’t given up

You see... I’m being unsocial

I see... I made myself leave my room

You see... my room is a mess

I see... Sometimes survival is a higher priority than cleanliness

You see... I have to take medicine                 

I see... I haven’t overdosed

You see... I don’t have a job

I see... I’m not in the hospital

You see... I work slowly

I see... I try to do a good job

You see... I missed church

I see... I’m growing