Beauty from Pain

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” –Isaiah 43:18-19

This time last year I was in the Middle East for two weeks with a group of my friends from Liberty. I’ve been thinking about what I learned during my time in the Middle East, as well as what I’ve learned in the past year.

To say this past year has been easy would be a lie. I’ve made a lot of memories, had a lot of good times, but frankly, this year has been hard.

I don’t like it when life is hard, and I don’t think anyone really does. It is not fun when your friend dies, when your grandparents die, when you wonder if you’ll pass your classes or even be able to stay in school, when you’re depressed, when you feel alone. But when I look back on my life, it is usually in hard times that I really grew. The hard times are often the only thing that forces me to rely on God instead of myself.

When I went to the Middle East, the girls on our team got to spend a lot of time with the women and children in their homes. Some of the women were very open and shared their stories with us. The stories I heard and the things I saw are the kinds of things I had only heard about...not like anything I had ever experienced. I saw poverty, abuse, neglect. I got to know a woman in her early 30s who had an arranged marriage at age 15 and now had seven kids. I met 21-year-old lady who was her husband’s third wife out of four. She was responsible for caring for all ten of her husband’s children. I met so many women and girls who did not know how incredibly beautiful they are. One woman told us, “In our culture, we are not allowed to be beautiful.” I looked into eyes filled with a depth of darkness, emptiness and pain that I had never seen before. But these eyes belonged to a six-year-old boy. I could see the hurt hidden behind people’s smiles. I met kids who would soak up every ounce of love and attention we could give them.

When I was in the Middle East I began to be thankful for the hard things I have been through, because those experiences gave me more compassion and understanding for the people I met. I admired the strength these people had to keep going and not give up. No, I did not understand everything they were going through! I did not even understand their language! But I could relate, even in a small way, to their pain and brokenness.

Do I like hard times? No. Would I want to relive the hard times? No. Do I praise God through the hard times? Unfortunately, not like I should. But I am thankful that nothing in our lives is wasted.

It’s from the deepest wounds

That beauty finds a place to bloom

And you will see before the end

That every broken piece is

Gathered in the heart of Jesus

And what’s lost will be found again

And nothing is wasted

Nothing is wasted

In the hands of our Redeemer

Nothing is wasted

-Jason Gray, “Nothing is Wasted”

After our first day of work in the Middle East, our team piled into the van and drove back to the place where we were staying. One of the workers turned on his iPod, and the song “Beautiful Things” by Gungor was playing.

All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found?

Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

This song was such a comfort and a reminder that God is able to bring good out of any situation. He can even bring beauty out of the pain that we saw in the lives of the people we met in the Middle East. With God, no situation is hopeless, and no person is hopeless.

What better example is there of beauty coming from pain than the life of Jesus? God sent his Son to earth to die for a sinful, broken people. Jesus was crucified, even though he had done nothing wrong. If the story ended there, we would have no hope. Pain and death would be victorious. But after three days, Jesus was raised to life. It is because of Jesus’ resurrection that we have hope. Life out of death. Beauty from pain.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead...In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” -1 Peter 1:3, 6-7

Daddy, Do You Love Me?

I wrote this a few weeks ago. This is what God's been teaching me recently about his love. :)

(5-year-old girl) 

Daddy, do you love me?
Yes, my little princess, I love you.
Even when I'm bad, Daddy?
Yes, darling, even when you're bad, I love you.
Even when I lied to you?
I loved you.
When I ran away from you?
I loved you.
Daddy, when did you start loving me?
My daughter, I have always loved you. I loved you even before you were born.

(15 years later)

Daddy, are you there?
Yes, my daughter.
Daddy...do you still love me?
Yes, my daughter, I will always love you.
But Daddy, if you knew what I've done...
Darling, what did you do?
I tried to lose weight 'cause I wanted them to love me.
But I love you.
I tried to get love from a guy.
I love you.
But I cut myself.
I still love you.
I thought about killing myself.
My daughter, you are precious to me and I still love you.
But Daddy...I don't feel like you love me.
But I do love you.
But Daddy, how do I know? How do I know that you love me?
See these scars on my wrists? These scars show my love for you. I loved you so much that I died for you. Because I died, you don't need to kill yourself. Because I was wounded, you don't need to hurt yourself.
But Daddy, I don't deserve it. I'm not worthy of your love.
Darling, I don't love you because you are worthy; I just love you because.
Daddy, I love you!
I love you too, my little princess, and I will always, always love you.

Lessons on Value

I’ve been learning a lot over the past several months about the value people have. Seeing my value is something I have struggled with, and I have learned that I am far from being the only one who struggles with this. I was reading a friend’s blog several months ago, and she said that God told her that most people feel that “life is pointless and they feel worthless.” I think there is a lot of truth to this statement. As I have gotten to know more people and hear their stories, I have realized how many people are living with feelings of hurt and hopelessness. I want to help people see that they have value, that there is hope, and that their lives have meaning.  

                                                                                                                                        

Several months ago I told my friend that I didn’t know what my purpose for living was...or if I did know my purpose, I was afraid I would never be able to fulfill it. I guess I had thought of my purpose in terms of my career. If I wasn’t able to succeed at my career or do what I thought I should do with my life, then what would my purpose for living be? My friend reminded me that I was not made just to do things; I was made to be. She told me, “Your existence brings joy.” It was a new idea for me that I don’t have to earn my worth.

Earlier this fall, I was going through a really hard time. I was depressed and felt worthless and in the way. I had come to the point where I thought, “If life doesn’t get any better, then I don’t really want to keep living.” Fortunately, since I had gone through times like this before, I knew that things would probably get better in time. I was talking with my friend about this, and she told me, “God wouldn’t have created you if you weren’t supposed to be here.” She reminded me that Jesus died on the cross for me; this shows how much He loves and values me! She told me to read Psalm 139.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.” –Psalm 139:13-18

With the help of God and some amazing friends, I’ve been able to see that, because God created me, I am valuable, and my life has purpose.

All this to say...God created you, so you are supposed to be here! He planned every day you would live (Psalm 139:16). Jesus gave up his life for you, which shows how much value he places on your life. We don’t need to be afraid to live, because God will always be with us (Isaiah 43:1-4; Hebrews 13:5). If you are alive, you are alive for a reason. You are irreplaceable. You are valued. You are loved.

Thoughts on the Prodigal Son

I started a new Bible study today, and I was reading the story of the Prodigal Son. I've read the story many times, and I've always liked it, but today I saw it in a new way. What stood out to me is that the father welcomed his son back. "Filled with compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him" (Luke 15:20). The father was not only willing, but happy, to forgive! 
    When I sin, I know God will forgive me. But too often, I think of Him as being reluctant to forgive. The story of the Prodigal Son shows that God is eager to forgive.  He doesn't see us as a failure because we've messed up in the same way once again. We have freedom in God's forgiveness. Not freedom that says, "Oh, you can go back to your sin. It's okay," but freedom that says, "I sent my sinless Son to die in your place. He has taken your sin away from you, and I have given you His righteousness and purity. When I look at you, I don't see your sin and filth; I see beauty and purity and perfection. Because when I look at you, I see my Son."

Daughter of Light

Daughter of light
Whom I have carried
Held in my arms
Since the day you were born
Though darkness seems to cover you
Though pain envelops your heart
I've placed my light inside you
This light I'll ne'er remove
Through the darkest night
And deepest valley
I'll hold you tight
My Word is your lamp and light
Do not flee to darkness, precious daughter
Plunging your body in darkness
Will not bring you healing
But my heart will ache
As I feel your pain
Through the valley, don't let go
My death has killed your darkness
I've wrapped you in my blanket
Of glorious light
Never cease to sow my seed
Even in tears
You will reap in joy
Your wailing I will turn to dancing
I will clothe you with my joy
The night is almost over
The day is almost here
Hold on tight
My precious daughter of light


11.29.08